American Idol Season 11 (Is Anyone Watching?)

I'm so over the american public. I might just move my ass to Cuba.

Anyone else want to predict how the rest of the season will play out? Here's my prediction:

Elise and Hollie go in the next two weeks (the order doesn't matter), and the judges can't call it at F4 cuz they're fucking useless, but Joshua goes out fourth place because he's a not-hot gay (shh) black guy on a show that's not built for that (try The Voice) leaving Jessica, Philip and Skylar as the F3.

The judges will do everything in their limited power to get both girls in the finals (Randy will credit their performances with 2000% superlatives and J Lo will try to make "goosies" happen again with both girls) to prove this show hasn't been hijacked by hormones, but just like last year the girls will split the vote, with the country contingent saving Skylar (and cuz they can't vote from the Philippines), Melinda Doolittling Jessica and the F2 will be Philip and Skylar.

For the first time ever, I will throw my support with the country vote (because lord knows Skylar's gun-sassiness is way more entertaining than Philip's grey-assholeness) and that's enough to kill Skylar deader than a possum at the end of her shotgun because the same massive bloc that crowned Taylor Hicks and Carrie Underwood and got TWO honky tonks into the finals last year still isn't enough to overcome my inveterate bad luck, and so Bland Guy Who Plays An Instrument and Can Only Kinda Sorta Sing #5 wins the season.

Jessica's tender, restrained, gorgeous vocals on "You Are So Beautiful" was A Moment in a past few weeks lacking in moments (despite the judges always standing up for the talented but overrated J Led). It makes up for her last two weeks of lackluster performances but I don't know if it's enough to save her tonight.

Hollie is like Erika from Big Brother All Stars. Always on the chopping block but never actually voted out. And both of them liked hanging out with a gay black dude.

Will Hollie get voted out after marginally improving just like this season's Erika, Heejun, Deandre and Elise? Or will she ride yet again, taking out Jessica or Joshua in a "shocking" elimination? I'm predicting the latter.

P Squared really is the worst of the fucking worst. EVERY other contestant left in the competition is a more talented vocalist, yet this douche will win the whole thing.

F2 will be P Squared and Skylar...you know, the prettier version of Scotty and Lauren.

While I do think Phillip is doing the same thing every week, saying that he sucks isn't fair to him at all! He's great at what he does!!! I had to fastforward through Jessica's second performance last night because that shit put me to sleep! The judges telling Josh he has one of the best voices ever is nothing short of absurd. He gets up there screams every week and the judges act like he's the best thing since sliced bread!

Elise was my favorite, i loved the grit in her voice (if that makes sense).

I think hollie has a great voice and i cant understand why the judges are so hard on her.

Jessica prob has the best technical voice, but theres just something about her I dont care for and i havent been able to figure out what it is.

PP...i cant even believe he's still there. Maybe since they showed his girlfiend last night the tween squad got pissed and didnt vote...lol

Joshua is very talented but I dont see him as a top 40 pop singer. Although he has proven he can sing anything his lane is definately r&b or gospel.

Skylar...everyone seems to like her. I think her twang is a little too twangy for me...lol

I really dont even think it matters if you come in 1st or 5th. Its all about getting the right ppl behind you and the right songs to sing. In all the seasons of idol there are 4ppl that have stood out to me.....Chris Daughtry, Kelly, Carrie and J Hud. I also liked Haley's voice from last season. I hope she gets the right material.

Wow. I knew Hollie had the power to take out yet ANOTHER superior contender, but I had no idea it would be Skylar (I really thought Jessica or Joshua would be the "shocking elimination" this week). Isn't it just like this show to let the one contestant with a personality go home?

But if I put that aside for a moment....bwahahahaha! Hollie! Fucking HOLLIE is still there! I have grown to grudgingly like this girl if only because she's the longest running joke this season. After being in the Bottom against Heejun, Erika, Deandre, Colton, Elise, and now Skylar, Hollie is still standing. Anyone standing in the Bottom Two with her should be nervous.

Please god let's get P Squared in the Bottom Two against Nine Lives Hollie next week, and have the most unusual F3 ever with a Filipino-American, an African-American, and a British-American.

I'm proud of little Hollie! I don't even think she deserved to be in the bottom 2.

Also is J Lo getting extra endorsements now? Because she was totally dressed like a Coca Cola bottle last night.

Here's how the season plays out in my fantasy:

Hollie and Philip in the Bottom 2 next week. My heart starts racing because I know what this means and yes, the Hollinator takes out P. Douchey. I start crying tears of joy like they rescued a baby from a burning building, and from then on I pledge my undying love (and text messages) to the Hollinator. J-Lo feigns outrage (to Razzie-worthy acclaim), Randy babbles on about P. Douchey being 500% a real artist cuz he still doesn't know how percentages work, and Steven is of course asleep.

The next week, the judges over-praise J-Led and J-Chez and pile on the Hollinator in an attempt to engineer the most diverse F2 ever, but it backfires as an unholy alliance of Anglophiles, Worsters, Me, Racists and Whoever the Fuck Has Been Voting For Hollie Thus Far is activated and on results night, J-Chez is declared a finalist first, so it's down to the two besties and "in a shocking elimination" -- because Ryan and most of the viewers haven't caught the snap on Hollie's juju yet -- J-Led is sent packing and the show gets its All Girl finale.

On final performance night, they both choose straight up 90's Disney songs -- or as these girls call them, "Old Timey Songs" -- and J-Chez outsings the Hollinator because 1) obviously and 2) that Pocahontas song sounds somewhat convincing coming out of J-Chez as opposed to Hollie's fucking weird accent on the calypso-tinged "Under the Sea."

But the Hollinator's powers have only increased with each victory, and she goes undefeated on finale night, thereby still screwing the producers over and we get this soundbite in the midst of a confetti shower:

Hollinator: "Ahm sew shocked tew be tha winnah?"