Matt Hoffman's Big Brother 13 blog

Matt has been doing this blog for The Big Brother Network and its basically a recap of each aired episode of BB. Its a good read! I am not going to post the past episode recaps but will continue to post his latest blog after each episode.




Big Brother 13 Episode 6: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman



Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.

Based on recent comments that I have received on my write-ups, I’m beginning this week’s recap with a disclaimer that remains valid throughout the entire season:

I do not legitimately “hate” anyone on “Big Brother 13”. I am personal friends with several members of the cast, so I am not “jealous” that they are on and that I am not. I am quite happy for those that got selected, in fact. My brand of humor and writing style is snide, cynical, and sarcastic in a purely non-serious/ball-busting manner. It is your choice to either read my recaps or continue to be an ass-face.

Allllllrighty – now that that’s out of the way, let’s get started with the Wednesday night episode of “The Brenchel Show” “Big Brother”!…
Jordan’s nominations have been made and Rachel (wearing her best kabuki gown…yeah, go back and look…super weird) expresses her distaste for the people selected. Adam runs upstairs to get his orders from Officer JeJo who tells him that he must throw the veto comp. Then Adam babbles about something in the diary room that isn’t important, but what is important is that he’s wearing yet another bacon-related shirt. These newbie DR’s are killing me. We get it, Adam – you love bacon. Okay, Lawon – we know you’re gay. Yes, Kalia…Kalia? Who?
Cut to what may be a dream sequence, because we’re in Opposite Land where RACHEL is saying that Cassi is “not good at playing this game”. Yes, Cassi is probably going home this week. But being evicted does NOT necessarily make you a bad player. Being a raging lunatic with the inability to conceal any of your emotions, evicting people on the sole basis that they’re better looking than you, and occasionally seeking refuge in fake plastic shrubbery (more on that later) makes you a bad player.
The next day, the Cassi witch hunt wages on with Brenchel trying to convince Daniele that Cassi needs to go because Cassi is “running around the house and lying to everyone”. Or, as I like to call it, “playing Big Brother”. Once Daniele has heard enough, Brenchel takes the crusade outside to JeJo, who agree that Rachel is “exaggerating and being a little overdramatic”. Rachel? Dramatic? Blasphemy!
This insightful epiphany about Rachel causes Jeff to ponder marketing a product called “Rachel Off”, which is essentially a bug spray to get rid of pesky Rachels. Sorry, Jeff – it already exists.
Upstairs, Cassi pleads her case to Jordan as to why she should remain safe this week. Being that we’re nearly halfway through this episode and the entire thing has been about evicting Cassi (who is not even on the block) makes it pretty clear that Dominic/Adam are getting pulled off the block this week and Cassi/Shelly are going up. Nice try, CBS, but you can’t pull one over on this guy! (or any guy…or any animal)
So since we sort of know what’s coming anyway, I’ll just zip through this veto comp. Basically the houserats need to chew a bunch of gumballs and stick it to a wall. The only redeeming part of the comp is getting hear Jordan say, “if I had more balls in my mouth, I’d look like a gerbil”. No, Jordan – you’d look like Shelly. (I am fully aware that this jab makes no sense, but I’ve picked on Rachel enough, so I needed a replacement)
Rachel foolishly volunteers for two weeks of eating slop (because she’s such a GREAT player and not at ALL like stupid CASSI), and then follows up her rock-solid decision by immediately failing out of the comp and spending the rest of the time playing the role of “cheerleader from hell” that I am all too familiar with firsthand. Dominic blocks out her shrill encouragement and wins the competition (surprise!), and then Jeff gets into a fight with Rachel causing her to run and hide in the artificial trees that are set up in the back yard. This whole sequence is pretty much too awesome for words, culminating in Tarzan Brendon chasing after Jane Rachel into the deep backyard woods and consoling her while she cries about being terrible at Big Brother.
The jungle couple takes their pity party inside, and we find out that Rachel is embarrassed because she fell. Really, Rachel? THAT’S why you’re embarrassed? Just now, because you fell off of a beam?! Then Brendon ironically plays the moral voice of reason, telling her that “two wrongs don’t make a right”. You hear that CBS??? Casting Brendon and Rachel a second time does NOT make it right! In a rarely captured moment of self-awareness from Rachel, she declares “no wonder America hates me”. I almost begin to feel sorry for her here…almost.
In the HoH room, Jeff complains that “this is turning into the Brendon and Rachel show”. Jordan replies that “Rachel is freakin’ nuts”. It’s not often that out of a random sampling of 12 people, Jeff Schroeder and Jordan Lloyd would be ranked #1 and #2 for intelligence. But here we have it, folks. It’s gonna be a helluva summer.
(oh yeah – and then Cassi and Shelly go up on the block as replacement nominees, which you would’ve known within 10-minutes of watching tonight’s episode…blah)

On tonight’s episode of Big Brother we get to see Daniele go from playing a stellar game and being in the best position in the house, to spazzing out and dropping down to the worst position. Amidst this freefall, she manages to kill Dominic’s game in the process. On the plus side, Dom finally loses his virginity as he is completely screwed by Daniele. Let’s see how it all goes down…

To recap, Daniele was sitting pretty, hovering between her veteran alliance and her alliance with Dominic on the newbie side. Dominic was put up on the block again, but was not in any imminent danger of being voted out, as long as he played by Brenchel’s rules and didn’t do anything stupid.

After the nominations, Adam and Dominic both tell us in the D.R. that they are the pawns this week. Adam tells Dominic that they still have a fighting chance because they make a good strong team with Adam being the “mental” and Dom being the “physical”. I’m not sure about the latter half of that equation, but Adam’s definitely spot-on about being mental.

Meanwhile, Daniele goes up to the HoH room to plant the seed in Brenchel’s head that they should backdoor Jeff/Jordan with the veto this week. Despite her selfish motives to salvage her alliance with Dominic, she makes some pretty valid points. After Dani leaves the HoH room, Brendon and Rachel convene to the bathtub to weigh their options.

BRENDON: If you rub my toe, you can see into the future. What does it tell you?

RACHEL: I see Daniele teaming up with Dominic and trying to fracture our alliance! We need to stop her!

BRENDON: The toe has spoken.

RACHEL: I love you, Bookie.

BRENDON: This water smells like tequila. Wait…did you salt the rim of the tub?

RACHEL: A giant margarita! Obvi!

After this whole repulsive sequence, I’m the one who needs a nice long bath. Once Brendon and Rachel lick each other dry, they bring Dominic up to the HoH room to tell him that he needs to throw the veto competition to ensure his safety. Dominic tosses logic and rationality to the wayside and happily complies.

Names get drawn for the veto from the bag of “Jeff & Jordan” chips, and the players selected this week are…JEFF & JORDAN! Rachel then needs to select a host for the competition:

RACHEL: [scanning the room] Ummmm…I’m going to pick…that new girl in the back!

PORSCHE: My name’s Porsche, and I’ve been here the whole time.

[collective looks of confusion from the rest of the houseguests]

Upstairs, Daniele goes up to once again hammer home the idea that Brenchel should backdoor Jeff and Jordan. This is becoming increasingly more suspicious, so Brenchel decides to have a talk with Jeff and Jordan in the HoH room. When Brendon and Rachel decide to put “being a trainwreck” on hold for a week, they actually manage to play a really smart game and dissect Dominic and Daniele’s entire alliance and strategy. In my opinion, if Brendon and Rachel continue to leave their craziness at the door and use their respective Physicist and Waitress Chemist brains, they have a solid shot at taking this $500,000.

This week’s veto competition kicks off with Lawon’s most annoying D.R. soundbyte to date (and that’s saying a lot):

LAWON: When I walk outside and see this big hairy lady, I’m like, “WHO is she-EE?!” “Who is THAT?!” “What is that layin’ in our BACK YARD?!” I’M FLAMBOYANT AND FUNNY! BAM! POW!

If Season 11’s Kevin and Season 9’s Parker had a very unfunny child, it would be Lawon.

This is another one of those recycled spelling competitions that we’ve been seeing over the past few years. Dominic stupidly brags about how he’s going to throw the competition. What’s with multiple people throwing veto competitions this year? Is there any reason at all to ever throw a veto competition? Especially when your ass is on the block?! Clearly we’ve all seen that I’m no master strategist, but this seems like “Big Brother 101” to me.

Jordan forgoes competing in favor of playing in bubbles, Rachel chokes on air, and the results are in:

Jordan – LITTLE
Dominic – STANDINGS
Rachel – MOOSTUREYEZING
Adam – BACON
Jeff – TEKNOTRONIX2
Brendon – UNDERSTANDING

Brendon spells the exact same word that he won this competition with last year, and the powerhouse that is Brenchel continues to steamplow through the game.

Out by the poolside the next day, Dani carries on her mission to be as obvious as possible about her hidden agenda:

DANIELE: Jeff and Jordan are plotting an army against you.

RACHEL: You don’t think Dominic is going to try to get out me and Brendon?

DANIELE: Dominic? No – never! I mean, not that I would I know anything about Dominic because it’s not like I’m aligned with him or anything. But you should definitely save him. And you should definitely backdoor Jeff and Jordan. But this has nothing to do with me, and will only benefit you and Brendon.

RACHEL: Can you pass me the sunscreen?

DANIELE: Team Dominic!

At this point you may be thinking that Dominic’s worst move was throwing the veto competition…WRONG! Dominic’s worst move was actually believing that females have the ability to keep their yaps shut for more than 10 minutes. First he lets Daniele blab her way to his demise, and then he ices the proverbial cake by telling Shelly all about his plans to break up Jeff and Jordan. Shelly, of course, wastes no time at all scampering to tell Jordan who then waddles upstairs to tell Brenchel.

Just as my head is spinning from the idiocy that I am laying witness to in regards to Dani and Dom’s gameplay, a storm warning pops up on my screen from CBS’s weather service that reads the following:

If flash flooding conditions are encountered, be prepared to seek higher ground. If traveling, remember to turn around. Don’t drown.

Are we honestly living in a world where we need to read warnings telling ourselves not to drown? Thanks, CBS!

At this point I passed out for a few minutes because I forgot to breathe (no one warned me!), but when I woke up I saw Brendon telling Jeff all about Dani and Dominic’s plan. Not surprisingly, Brendon doesn’t use the veto so Dominic and Adam remain on the block. The gig’s up, Dom…game over!

Well, folks – we’ve made it. It’s the season (and ideally the series) finale of “The Brenchel Show”. And CBS makes sure to milk it for all that they can!

As always on eviction night, we open up with Julie Chen looking ridiculous in some way. While I could comment on her “stay-at-home-mom of the future” dress, I’m going to opt for the more obvious…the hair. This particular style was taken from the Zuul collection:



Also on pace with tradition, Chenbot builds a false sense of suspense with dramatic one-liners like “with a former Big Brother winner on the block, anything can happen”. If by “anything” you mean “Brendon definitely going home”, then yeah.

In the diary room, Daniele tells us that she’s happy Brendon is still on the block because he “tramples over old women and babies to get prizes”. While I don’t think it’s fair to pick on Shelly and Rachel like that, she does have a good point. Jordan, blissfully unaware that she’s playing for a half-million dollars, says that she doesn’t mind getting evicted as long as she’s wearing her pretty new dress. That’s the fighting spirit, Jordan! Now I understand why you came out on top during your season. Rachel is sad because she says that her and Brendon are the most dynamic duo. Somewhere in a cave underneath Gotham City, Batman and Robin are shaking their heads in disgust.

Next is a long, strange sequence in the Have Not room with Brenchel. Brendon, who is usually a sobbing ball of man-tears, bursts into the room with a creepy smile on his face so large that I can only assume he’s finally come to the realization that he is merely days away from being able to use Skype again. We also get to witness his descent into madness and delusion as he boasts proudly about “dropping a bomb” on the house and “going out with a bang” and being attracted to Rachel’s “beautiful brain”. Rachel, ever the strategist, starts trying to hash out important aspects of her gameplay without Brendon in the house…like who she is going to jump on if she wins a competition.

Outside, Brendon and Rachel use the backyard as their own personal HoH – calling people over one-by-one to talk to them about their votes in a fruitless effort to save Brendon’s ass. First up is Porsche. She’s the blonde girl that you may have seen running into walls and chasing her tail in the background of some shots this season. Rachel actually makes a few valid arguments to voting out Jordan, but the glazed-over look in Porsche’s eyes tell me that the concepts are too much for her to grasp. As her final two brain cells are battling it out for a thought, Porsche just tells Brendon that she’ll vote for him and walks away. Similar interactions occur with Adam and Shelly, and with each passing minute of this show it becomes more and more apparent that Brendon is toast. Props to the CBS editors for even making the effort to drag this out.

Porsche puts on some Obi Wan Kenobi bathing suit thing and then goes up to the HoH room to talk to Dani. Rachel busts in on the conversation and thinks that Porsche is turning on her. The thought of this makes Rachel incensed, saying “why doesn’t she just take out a knife right now and gut me?!” Yep, Rachel – that’s the million dollar question that the viewers have been wondering all season. Dare to dream.

Cut to later on in the back yard where Porsche tries to logically explain to Rachel that it’s not good for her game to be moping around like a crazy person all the time. This sends Rachel into an overdramatic frenzy, and she storms off into the hammock, with Brendon galloping after her. Rachel complains that “no one cares in this game about anyone but themselves” [ummmm…yeah!], but then has an epiphany as she makes some of her most profound and insightful statements of the season:


•“I ruin everything!”
•“When I get out of the house this summer, people are going to hate me more!”
•“I’m not gonna ever get a job!”
•“Brendon, you can’t marry me. I’m crazy!”
•“I’m not even that smart!”



Well, I have to disagree with that last statement, on the sheer merit of all the statements before it. Brendon tries to console her by telling her that she’s made him “more happier” than he’s ever been in his entire life. Clearly Brendon’s PhD is not in English.

Next up, Julie Chen takes it to the living room to talk with the houseguests. She asks Adam if he’ll ever be able to live down being an elf with his heavy metal friends back in Jersey. I’ve been on the fence about my affections towards Adam, but his response definitely pushed him over to the “annoying tool” side. Chock full of idiotic dancing AND nonsensical screaming, I’m done with him.

Next up is a lackluster package from Evel Dick talking about how Daniele’s gameplay is both good and bad (very enlightening) followed by Julie’s HoH interview with Daniele (where a falcon flew into her head and got caught up in her hair), and then it’s time for the eviction speeches. Brendon tucks his balls away and saps it up to a teary-eyed Rachel, while Jordan says all the stock quotes of someone who knows they’re safe (“I love you all”, “vote for who you think will get you further in the game”, etc).

Adam elf-dances like a buffoon down the hall, Lawon annoys me in the 2-seconds he’s on screen, Shelly tries to either sniff or eat her fingers, and Brendon gets evicted by a 5-2 vote. America breathes a sigh of anticipated relief as Brendon sits down for his exit interview with Julie:

JULIE: Brendon – you chose to save your fiancé Rachel instead of yourself. Why?

BRENDON: Love. [crying] Sorry – I’m a bit of a baby at times.

JULIE: At times???

BRENDON: I’m so alone! Let me back in!

Before the HoH, the houseguests get called into the living room for yet another “twist”. Julie tells everyone that next week’s evicted houseguest will have a chance to come back into the house. America learns that they can vote for one of the previous evicted houseguests to return to the game, and Keith eagerly gathers up all the diagrams that he’s been doodling in sequester for “Keith’s Angels 2”.

At the HoH competition, Porsche’s game strategy of standing still with a blank stare on her face actually pays off and knocks out Rachel. Kalia wins HoH, and we are left to “eavesdrop on the houseguests pouting and doing stupid elf dances”.

August 11, 2011
Big Brother 13 Episode 15: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman


Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.



Wednesday night’s episode marked the pivotal moment where Big Brother Season 13 officially became the overall most collectively moronic cast of characters to ever play the game of Big Brother. We’ve seen some nitwits in the past, but I’ve got to think that CBS was trying to cast the biggest strategic idiots that they could find. I’m getting ahead of myself, though – let’s rewind a bit…

We start with a flashback to Kalia’s nomination speech where she tries to be all “hard ass” but comes off all “dumb ass” instead. She talks about how she’s going to “jump, grow wings, and fly on the way down”. I’m not sure what that means, but it looks like the old “when pigs fly” adage is taking on a comically ironic reality.

Rachel takes her nomination pretty hard, but Shelly is there to pick up the pieces and regulate Rachel’s emotional state:

SHELLY: C’mon, Rachel – you have more class than this.

RACHEL: Really? You have seen my weekly live-eviction dresses that barely cover my labia, right?

SHELLY: Stay strong for Brendon! It’s just a game, Rachel. Don’t get so worked up.

RACHEL: If it’s just a game, then why do people keep making personal attacks at me?

SHELLY: Because you’re a mess.

Like the emotional locust that she is, once Rachel has sucked all of the sympathy that she could out of Shelly, she moves on to Jordan in the Have Not room. Rachel dishes out the over-dramatics in full force, including threatening to leave, packing her suitcase just slow enough to give Jordan time to intervene, and crying as intensely as someone can cry who has had their tear ducts sealed shut with botox.

Once Big Brother sees that Rachel is sufficiently broken down in the Have Not room, they begin to start pumping the hormone gas into the HoH ventilation system. Another success from Big Brother, as Kalia has an irrational crying fit (this time complete with actual liquid tears!). We never truly understand why Kalia is so upset. She claims that she is “so stressed out”, but I’m not understanding how slothing around the HoH room while cowering in fear, succumbing to the wishes of anyone who comes up to tell you what to do, and making no decisions on your own while you are the only one who is in no danger of going home this week could be considered “stressful”.

The time comes to pick names for the veto competition, and since Jeff is on the block he automatically gets to play. Based on this season’s track record, I have to believe that this still will not prevent a “Jeff” chip from being pulled which will somehow clone another Jeff into the competition. You can never have enough Jeff, right CBS?! Alas, the other three people chosen to play are Adam, Shelly, and Jordan. Adding Kalia to that mix, we can safely assume that this is going to be one of the most intense competitive battles in Big Brother history. Porsche is chosen as the host, but she’s not sure what that means. After looking around the room and getting affirmation that it’s not a bad thing, she awkwardly claps with the rest of the houseguests.

After the names are pulled, Big Brother shifts the hormone gas back into the Have Not room where Shelly, Jordan, and Jeff walk right into it. Shelly goes into a rage about her loyalty for the vet alliance, and then Jordan breaks down sobbing. Jeff should win something just for being able to maintain his sanity in this nut-hut. When Jeff goes to talk to Shelly one-on-one, she tells him “from the beginning…I’ve had the sole intention of getting you two [Jeff/Jordan] to the end.” Great gameplan, Shelly! At least now we know why CBS cast you, since the network’s wet dream is an entire collection of houseguests whose primary objective is to keep Jeff and Jordan on television as long as possible. Jeff then offers to make out with Shelly, and I wipe vomit off my chin.

Time for the veto competition! This is an “ancient Greece” themed comp, and Jordan gets excited because all the players get special Greek nicknames!

Shelly = “Shellypso”
Adam = “Baconathus”
Jordan = “Jordana”
Kalia = “Suckeon”
Jeff = “Jeffaestus”
Rachel = “Tequilius”

When Rachel sees the setup, she announces that she knows what they’ll need to be doing in the competition, but she won’t tell anyone. In Rachel’s wacko mind this is hardball strategy, even though in about 2 minutes the rules will be read to everyone. Way to stick it to ‘em, Rach! In what is probably the most amazing thing that has happened all season on “Big Brother”, somehow Porsche manages to correctly pronounce “Sisyphus” when going over how the comp is played.

During the competition, Shelly continues to show that she is the “Brendon” to Jeff’s “Rachel” as she tells us that she needs to win the veto so that she can save her buddy Jeff from the block. Seriously – what’s going on this season? Were the newbies all lobotomized in sequester before coming into the house? Continuing Big Brother 13’s “Season of Suck” theme, Rachel falls on her face multiple times like she tends to do whenever she’s being active in the backyard, and Kalia decides to stop competing all together in favor of cheering on Jeff. JEFF! THE PERSON SHE JUST NOMINATED FOR EVICTION! Holy hell, my head hurts from watching these fools. On the other side of the competition, Adam proves to be this season’s Enzo by predictably losing everything but prefacing it in the D.R. with things like “this is my chance to finally win a competition” and “now is my time to prove myself”.

Jordan lets us know that Jeff is doing a great job, and he and Adam are “head-to-head”. I’m pretty sure she meant “neck-and-neck”, but Porsche didn’t know the difference between her elbow and her shoulder so I’m not expecting much in the “anatomical accuracy” department from this cast. Jordan goes on to talk about Jeff’s balls, and then Jeff ends up winning the veto.

After the veto competition, Rachel storms into the Have Not room. Bad move, since all that hormone gas is still lingering in there. Consequently we get another Rachel Pity Party™ breakdown, complete with the patented fake crying and dramatic one-liners like “I can’t even stand up for Brendon’s memory”. Hey, Rachel – he’s not dead. After he watches this season he’s going to wish he was. But for right now he’s just fine.

Later on, Jeff goes up to the HoH room to strike fear into the heart of Kalia. This proves to be easier than distracting Porsche with a laser pointer, and Kalia crumbles into submission instantly. Kalia may go down as the worst HoH in the history of Big Brother, as I have yet to see more of a spineless wretch in power in the 13 seasons that this show has been on the air. The icing on the cake is that she boasts the entire time about how independently she is making all of her decisions and how she’s making all these “bold moves” on her own. Puh-LEASE! This is, bar none, the absolute worst cast of strategists the game has ever seen. And while I see the criticisms flooding in that I didn’t play the most flawless game myself, that’s fine. I agree with that. But while I had my sucky moments, these newbies are just big walking blobs of non-stop suck. Which brings us to…

…LAWON! Followers of my weekly ramblings will know that I’m not the biggest Lawon fan out there. So what transpires this week is just sweet justification for all of my criticisms. Let’s break down what happens…

So Lawon gets it in his head that whoever is voted out is definitely coming back. He also is convinced that the evictee will come back with a special power. Theorizing this is completely acceptable. But master strategist Lawon takes it to a whole other level of stupidity and puts so much faith in his assessment of the game that he not only volunteers to go up as a replacement nominee, but HE WANTS TO BE EVICTED! As a superfan of the game of Big Brother, I’m about ready to throw a brick through my television. So far we’ve already had two contestants throw veto competitions (resulting in their subsequent evictions), and now we’re getting someone petitioning for their own eviction?! Lawon’s lunacy is further punctuated with statements like:

LAWON: I’m gonna come back in the house and sail right to the top! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!

Now? Let me see….nope – I still don’t like you.

As the houseguests wait for the veto ceremony to begin, Lawon tells us that he is going to give “the performance of Big Brother history”. Sadly, he has no idea how true that is. Somewhere, Season 3 Marcellas is doing a happy dance because his decade-long title of “Biggest BB Flub” is about to be stripped from his legacy. Everything goes down as planned, Lawon happily gets nominated as a replacement, and Kalia calls this a “win/win situation” (presumably because she was able to be the monstrous pussy that she was hoping to be). Finally, Christmas comes early as Lawon leaves us with this little gem:

LAWON: I don’t mind being evicted this week, because I know the TWIST will bring me back more powerful than ever! How you like me NOW?!

Give me a minute…hmmmm…okay…yeah – I still hate you.

hmmmm not one single word mentioned about the Dani?? Interesting Matt. Wonder why she is exempt from this stupidity which she is LARGELY a part of.

Big Brother 13 Episode 16: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman




Thursday night’s Big Brother was the equivalent of being in a hospice. You know what the end result is going to be, and you know that it’s going to be bad – but you still just sit there and wait out the inevitable. Julie Chen kicks things off as usual (rocking a sweet 90’s-era pants suit) with a recap of this week’s events. It’s not often that the Chenbot shows actual human emotion, but even she doesn’t waste any time pointing out how stupid Lawon is and laughing at him.

Back in the house, we see the aftermath of the veto nomination ceremony. Lawon couldn’t be more proud of himself (or more delusional, for that matter):

LAWON: If I do get voted out of the house, I have a 99% chance of coming back into the game with super powers.

Close. You actually have a 100% chance of not coming back into the game. And you best hope that whatever super power you receive gives you the ability to deflect a lifetime of personal ridicule. It’s only once every 10 seasons that a homosexual African American makes the type of colossal game blunder that you have, so you have quite a ride in store for you!

LAWON: So take note, America – Lawon made the boldest move that anyone could do in the Big Brother house.

Yet another statement that is completely correct, but for all the wrong reasons. It would be a “bold move” for me to put my hand down a garbage disposal and turn it on, but that doesn’t mean I should go brag about it to all of America. Lawon is so bad of a player that it’s actually awkward and uncomfortable to watch. Kalia tries to justify keeping Rachel in the house because she, too, drank the “whoever is evicted is definitely coming back” Kool-Aid. Even Jeff (hardly the poster boy for intellect) picks up on the fact that Kalia is a total strategic failure and calls her out for being stupid. When Jeff is making personal attacks at your mental capacity, you know it’s looking bleak.

Lawon’s taking home all the awards tonight. After stealing the title of “Biggest Bonehead Move” from Season 3’s Marcellas, Lawon also kicks me out of the top spot I’ve been holding onto for “Worst Liar”:

LAWON: I am SO PISSED I was nominated.

SHELLY: Yeah, that’s too bad. Keep fighting, though.

LAWON: WHY WOULD I VOLUNTEER?!

SHELLY: Huh? No one said you volunteered.

LAWON: Ummmm….uhhhh…Volunteer? Who said anything about “volunteer”? GIRL, you must be hearin’ CRAZY things. I’m gonna go outside.

[Shelly follows]

SHELLY: Lawon, did you volunteer to go up?

LAWON: Me?! What?! Volun…I’M APPALLED! Now WHY would I go do something as smart as that? D’oh! – I mean as STUPID as that! I said STUPID!

SHELLY: Why would Kalia put up someone that she’s close with? It doesn’t make sense.

LAWON: I am going to get to the bottom of this before I walk out that door.

SHELLY: But you have the numbers to stay if you want.

LAWON: I mean…um…Rachel could persuade…wait, no…uhhh…DID YOU SEE THE HE/SHE IN THE BACK YARD?! I was like WHAAAAAAAAAT!!! KA-PLOW!

Shelly’s suspicion of Lawon brings her up to the HoH room to ask Kalia if Lawon volunteered himself to go up. Kalia, whose spine is completely detached from her body and is now hanging in the storage room ready to be taken out with this week’s trash, wastes absolutely no time in instantly selling out Lawon.

SHELLY: Did Lawon volunteer himself?

KALIA: You bet! And then he wants to get out so that he can come back with special powers, and then Dani and I are going to make a deal with Rachel, and then when Lawon 100% comes back into the house he will most certainly have a power that will allow us to begin breaking up your alliance!

…
…
…

Uh-oh. I think I’ve said too much.

SHELLY: You do know that I’m about to run downstairs and tell Jeff and Jordan everything, right?

KALIA: Sure, whatever. Hey – can you pass me that Twinkie?

Meanwhile, Rachel says that she has to do “anything she can” to stay in the game this week. For once, “anything she can” does not involve some sort of activity that will shame her entire family, and the mere act of her existence alongside Lawon is enough to ensure she’s going nowhere. After making some fake deals with Kalia and Dani, Rachel goes down to the Have Not room to tell Jordan all about it. I’m starting to think that there’s more than one Shelly in the house because every time two people get into a private conversation, it takes one of the Shellies no more than 10 seconds to bust into the closed room and say something like “what’s going on here?” or “so, what are we doing?”. Even more bizarre than that is the fact that, without failure, people continue to always let her in on everything that they are discussing! In a matter of three back-to-back scenes, Shelly gets info from Lawon and passes it to Kalia. Then she gets info from Kalia and passes it to Rachel. Then she gets info from Rachel and passes it to Dani. I keep hearing about Shelly being this “masterful strategist”, but the inability to shut your mouth for 5 seconds does NOT make you a great social gamer. It makes you…well…a female. In fact, I can’t see any possible way that she is not hanging by a thread off the cliff that overlooks You’re Busted Canyon. She’ll be called out sooner than later. And hopefully with a Brenchel House Meeting™.

Delusion continues to circulate in the air of the Big Brother house as Kalia and Dani contemplate why oh why Rachel could ever have any reason for not taking their super-sweet deal. Gosh, numbskulls, I don’t know – maybe because she is 100% safe without the assistance of you ninnies? Maybe because she doesn’t want to align with the only two people in the house next week that will have massive red targets on their back? Maybe because with Brendon out of the house she actually is opting for “playing the game” over “dry humping the day away”?

After the break, we join Julie with the houseguests in the living room:

JULIE: 41 days in the house, and you’ve passed the halfway mark. Does the game get easier or harder at this point

JEFF: Definitely easier, Julie. But it has less to do with the time we’ve been here and everything to do with the fact that this is the second week in a row that the person being evicted has basically volunteered to go home. My strategy is to just lock myself in a room, hibernate for another month or so, and wake up in time for the final three.

Next up is the part of every Thursday show when we see a pre-taped package where the families of one of the nominees comments about what a great player their son/daughter/mom/dad/husband/wife is and how supportive everyone is of them back home. Since Rachel’s on the block and she has spent the last month-and-a-half embarassing everyone that associates with her in the real world, Big Brother decides to dig up some of Rachel’s old enemies from Season 12. Namely Ragan and…wait, who’s that handsome little troll?…Matt! (don’t blink or you’ll miss me)

After the obligatory setup shot to make it look like I (who resides in Chicago) was just simply passing through Hollywood and figured I’d pop into Ragan’s to see if he wants to watch “Big Brother” together, we get to see a series of updated pictures of Ragan and I out-of-our-minds intoxicated. We also get to hear that Ragan is keeping the faith that I will one day turn on my 34-year stint of heterosexuality and current devotion to my beautiful wife in favor of doing gay stuff. Dare to dream, buddy!

The rest of the package is us watching whatever CBS decided they should make us be looking at tonight, and we also get to see some great never-before-aired footage of Rachel with mayonnaise on her face talking into the Have Not room camera to Brendon. She says how difficult it is with him being gone and how she’s “thinking about what he would do”. Well let’s be honest – I think that if Brendon was alone in a room talking to a camera, we all know exactly what he’d do. Finally, in comparing Rachel to the killer in a slasher movie who keeps coming back, Ragan says that we can “pump bullets into her, decapitate her, or set her body on fire”. This is great news that I hope the D.R. lets the houseguests in on, as it could really liven the season up! (can we make it an “America’s Vote” thing?…cuz I’d text 80102 for “decapitate”)

After the commercial break, Julie questions Kalia in the HoH room about her week in power (or Jeff’s week in power…or Dani’s week in power…or Lawon’s week in power…ugh – I’m confused). Kalia rambles nonsensically about “growing wings and flying” again (in case you missed her killer nomination speech). But really she spends most of the time doing what she’s done all week – sucking tenaciously onto the ass of Jeff and Jordan. First off, Kalia – they can’t hear you; and secondly, they don’t like you. Kalia heads back downstairs (pitstopping in the kitchen on the way for a quick mid-show snack…she hasn’t eaten in literally MINUTES!), and then it’s time for the nomination speeches.

Both speeches are the worst we’ve seen so far this season and serve no purpose other than to remind us that there is a twist happening. Oddly enough, people clap after Lawon’s speech like he had delivered some profound presidential address. Voting begins, and after five weeks I’ve decided that Shelly’s weird “hand thing” in the D.R. is her jonesing for a cigarette. Even when the vote is 5-0 with only Adam left, Julie still clings to her false sense of suspense:

JULIE: Adam has stayed neutral this week, but now…he must pick a side. How will he vote?

Wow, Julie – you’re right! I stupidly figured that Adam would go along with every single other person who has since voted. But now that you mention it, maybe he’ll throw us for a loop and vote completely outside the entire rest of the house.

As I wait in baited anticipation for Adam’s rogue vote, he just ends up following along and putting in his hit for Lawon, which sends Lawon packing on a 6-0 sweep…

…OR DOES IT?!

Just as Lawon is about to leave and go collect his 100% free magical super power, Julie stops him and calls everyone back to the living room:

JULIE: Lawon, you may come back into the house. But first…you have to battle one of the ex-evictees, as voted on by America or planted by SeeBS. There is no power, and because you are such a consummate fool and Rachel is still around, you can probably expect to be taking on Brendon and also subsequently getting your ass handed to you on a platter. If you’d like to just walk out the front door now and avoid any further inevitable shame, you are more than welcome to do so.

LAWON: I’m gonna COMPETE, Julie! And when I win, I’m going to GET that special power!

JULIE: No, Lawon – you’re not listening. There is no special power.

LAWON: HAHA! You FUNNY, Julie! Just please tell me there ain’t no HE/SHE in the backyard again! I CAN’T BE SHAVING NO HE/SHE NO MORE!

Lawon’s expression upon hearing the full details of the twist is priceless:

And Rachel’s expression is endless fodder for message board Photoshop threads all over the internet:

(prize awarded for the person who finds the most creative place to insert a penis into the image above)

Out back, we get to check in on the four evictees. They learn that they’ll be competing against Lawon, and couldn’t be happier. Keith is already plotting out his new alliance – “The Regulator Angels”. In what can best be described as “the least shocking thing I’ve heard all week”, America has **cough** “voted” **cough** that Brendon should have a shot at coming back in the house! Julie then goes over the rules of the competition. She says that there are 150 balls, and I begin to think that Lawon may actually have a shot now!…

…But not for long, as this competition quickly becomes a complete and utter slaughter. Through nightmarish memories of Rachel’s shrill cheerleading, Bookie predictably beats the snot out of Lawon, sending him home (ironically in an Ivy League sweatshirt – I’m sure Yale is proud) as we bear witness to what is the most legendarily idiotic blunder in the history of Big Brother. Lawon is stunned, Rachel straddles Brendon, and I refill my prescription pain killers to get through the bonus season of “The Brenchel Show”, starting this Sunday on CBS.

“Big Brother” – it was nice watching you for a week. You will be missed

Lorraine wrote:

hmmmm not one single word mentioned about the Dani?? Interesting Matt. Wonder why she is exempt from this stupidity which she is LARGELY a part of.

same thing again....maybe Matt is afraid of Evel Dick..

Lorraine wrote:

Lorraine wrote:

hmmmm not one single word mentioned about the Dani?? Interesting Matt. Wonder why she is exempt from this stupidity which she is LARGELY a part of.

same thing again....maybe Matt is afraid of Evel Dick..

Every single past houseguest that I've heard has been kissing her ass! Evel Dick is the ONLY one that calls her out on her terrible gameplay!

August 18, 2011
Big Brother 13 Episode 18: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman


Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.



Before I begin this write-up, I would like to suggest that you make this episode into a drinking game. If you take a drink every time Shelly cries, you probably won’t make it to the end without passing out. I wish I would’ve known this in advance because I ended up sitting through this whole torturous hour…sober, at that! You can thank me later. Now – on with the show…

As with every Wednesday episode, we start with a reminder of Sunday’s HoH nominations. Daniele is very proud of her brilliant and adaptive strategy:

DANIELE: These nominations are perfect because they keep my options open. Plan A – nominations stay the same, Shelly goes home, I have completely wasted my HoH, and either Brendon or Jeff will kick my ass out next week. Plan B – CBS plants drama by removing Brenchel’s chips from the veto bag, they can’t play, and we backdoor Brendon. Plan C – Lawon returns with his special power to award me the $500,000 so that we can end the steaming hot pile of crap that is “Big Brother 13” right now.

Next up we see the first of many Diary Room sessions tonight where Shelly shows how completely delusional she truly is. In this particular snippet, she drums up some tears (DRINK!) and lets us in on her intense anger at all the “betrayal and lies” going on.



In order to get to the bottom of all the nastiness going on, Shelly decides to call out Brendon and Rachel in front of Kalia, Porsche, Jeff, and Jordan. This sounds like a good plan in theory, but it is slightly flawed by the mere fact that Shelly is actually the annoying epicenter of most of the duplicity going on in the house. Brenchel learned some things last season when they attended my “How To Turn Around a Public Accusation” seminar, and they end up making Shelly look both confused and foolish throughout this entire interaction.

She ends up going into the backyard to cool off the best way she knows how – by spewing sanctimonious B.S. like:

• “I have been loyal to a fault in this game.”
  
• “I have done everything straight-forward.”
  
• “I am done playing a game with people like that. It’s embarrassing.”
  
• “I hate people that lie.”
  

It ends with her in tears (real tears, not “Rachel tears” – DRINK!), which has me 100% convinced that Shelly is psychologically damaged beyond repair. The false sense of self-righteousness exhibited by her (and, more to the point, the fact that I feel she truly believes what she is saying) makes Rachel seem like a beacon of sanity by comparison.

The next day, the houseguests draw names for the veto competition. Shelly is fired up and ready for revenge!

SHELLY: Mama always gave me advice…if you want something done right, do it yourself. Except for winning stuff. Leave that to the vets.

Dani draws Jordan, Shelly draws Kalia, Adam draws Jeff, and Daniele’s “Plan B” is well underway as Brendon and Rachel are left sitting on the couches. To further isolate them, Dani chooses Porsche to host the competition…again. Porsche is becoming the “Julie Chen” of Wednesday night episodes since she really does nothing in the house other than host things.

Before the veto competition starts, America gets the chance to vote for what food items they would like to give the Have-Nots for next week. I encourage all of you to contribute. It’s easy! Just text your selection to 81818. Here’s the options, in case you missed it:

• Text 1 for “Beets and Bologna”
  
• Text 2 for “Dates and Durian”
  
• Text 3 for “Hard Boiled Eggs and Jalapeños”
  
• Text 4 for “Keith and Kalia”
  

The veto competition is a large game of cornhole. They could have just called it “bag toss”, but then that would’ve defeated CBS’s entire purpose for even having this game in the first place, which was to extract Diary Room soundbytes with sexual innuendo in them. It takes all of ten seconds after announcing the competition before we hear that “Jeff is really good at cornhole”. Dumbledore is finally vindicated as we continue on with a shot of Jeff lovingly slapping Adam’s ass and Jordan telling us about Jeff’s affection for boy bands.

This is the standard “prize competition” that Big Brother does every season where each player that gets knocked out grabs a prize, and the next people knocked out can steal it away if they choose. Shelly, full of inspiration and determination from her “mama’s” quote, completely misses the ENORMOUS target altogether and is knocked out first round. Her prize is the power of veto. Round two knocks out Jordan who receives 24 hours of solitary confinement and a phone call from home. Despite Jordan wanting nothing more than to talk to her family, she gives this to Shelly in exchange for the veto. Shelly cries (DRINK!), and Jeff says that he’s not surprised because Jordan always wants to make other people happy. In this case, she made eight other people happy for a full 24-hours by locking Shelly away.

Kalia is knocked out in round three, and she gets a Caribbean vacation. Brendon and Rachel sit on the sidelines (not fully understanding that they aren’t competing anyway, so it doesn’t matter what Kalia does) and express their disappointment at her keeping the trip because it could’ve been their honeymoon vacation. Later on Kalia tells them that she only got so excited because she thought it said “Caribbean chicken” and not “Caribbean vacation”, so she just gives the trip to Brenchel anyway. At this point everyone playing wants Adam to win the veto and use it, so Dani throws the next round and gets a veto ticket, then Jeff throws the next round and gets $5,000. Adam “wins”, trades his prize (the “HUMILITARD”) to Jordan for the Bacon Power of Veto, and then (no surprise) screams really loudly for a while.

After the competition, Brendon and Rachel scamper into the storage room to sulk about being backdoored. Rachel, never able to fully actualize that she is not in a perpetual state of power in the house, keeps telling Brendon that she is going to choose to go up as a replacement instead of him. Brendon just continues his lifelong exercise in patience as he fruitlessly tries to make Rachel understand that it’s not their decision.

Meanwhile, Jordan gets called into the Diary Room to get her “Humilitard”. Big Brother called this “the most humiliating unitard to date”. I think, however, that it’s “the most appropriate unitard to date”. Adam says the best part is watching the propeller on the cap spin around when Jordan walks. Brendon could give you the full “rocket science” description about how air circulates through her empty head, under the hat, and up through the propeller blades, but that’s all too much for my small brain and small feet to comprehend.

Up in the HoH room, Dani and Kalia celebrate the post-veto turn of events:

DANIELE: We are totally 100% golden.

KALIA: Yay!

DANIELE: I feel so accomplished.

KALIA: Me too.

DANIELE: But you didn’t do anything.

KALIA: What are you talking about? I just ate an entire frozen pizza all by myself!

DANIELE: Ummmm…I was kind of talking about how we’re going to get Brendon out this week.

KALIA: Oh. Yeah. I guess that’s pretty neat, too.

Back downstairs, Shelly locks into her solitary confinement room, complete with padded white walls. It looks like Jordan’s “idiot unitard” wasn’t the only spot-on appropriate punishment. Shelly says that “nobody wants to be locked in solitary confinement”, but I disagree. Because after sitting through this season thus far, I oftentimes wish I was locked up. Shelly’s punishment carries over to her family back home as they are forced to talk to her for ten minutes while she sobs incessantly (DRINK!). In all seriousness, it’s very nice to see that Shelly gets to re-connect with her son and her granddaughter for a bit. [What’s that?...Wait, WHO are those people???...No?!...Hold on – how old is she?...Okay, nevermind - let’s just move on…]

Finally, it’s time for this week’s veto ceremony. After spending 52-minutes hearing about how Brendon is getting backdoored this week, Daniele spews some phony Diary Room segment contemplating how difficult it is to decide who she should put up as a replacement nominee. Somehow Adam manages to not scream like an attention-starved fool during his veto speech, but he does make a point of justifying using the veto on himself by saying that he “worked really hard to win the competition”. Yeah, Adam – great work standing in place and throwing a total of five beanbags, three of which you didn’t even need to toss since everyone else was forfeiting and trying to get you to win. He’ll go down as one of the greats, for sure.

Dani needs to choose a replacement nominee, but not before unleashing another TWIST on the house! It’s actually just a metaphor about zombies, but that doesn’t stop Porsche and Jordan from darting out of their chairs and locking themselves in the storage room for safety (just in case). Brendon gets put up, and Shelly says that Brenchel will promise their firstborn child to whoever will vote to keep Brendon in the house. I think they’d have a better chance if they instead promised to sterilize themselves so that there never was a firstborn child. Brendon would definitely have my vote then.

(DRINK!)

Quote :

Round two knocks out Jordan who receives 24 hours of solitary confinement and a phone call from home. Despite Jordan wanting nothing more than to talk to her family, she gives this to Shelly in exchange for the veto. Shelly cries (DRINK!), and Jeff says that he’s not surprised because Jordan always wants to make other people happy. In this case, she made eight other people happy for a full 24-hours by locking Shelly away

Matt's blogs are hilarious!

August 25, 2011
Big Brother 13 Episode 21: Thoughts From Former HG Matt Hoffman


Matt Hoffman (BB12) returns with his review of the latest Big Brother episode. You’ll find him here at BBN each Thursday & Friday all season. Read Matt’s past articles.



Kicking things off is a recap of Jeff’s nominations – Porsche and Kalia. Looks like Porsche may get a glimmer of camera time this week! Exciting for her, but on the other end of the spectrum with Rachel not in power, not nominated, and away from her vile other half, she should be going through some major “attention withdrawl”.

Kalia defends herself in the diary room by saying that Porsche should be booted because she doesn’t do anything except host competitions, whereas Kalia is here to “bust her butt”. So far all I’ve seen Kalia doing is expanding her butt, however I’m not a live feed viewer, so what do I know? Daniele gives the “That’s What She Said” quote of the night with, “There’s always the question – what if [Jeff] backdoors me?”

After nominations, Daniele makes the mistake of trying to talk game with Kalia in the kitchen. Bad move, Dani. Way too many distractions in that room:

DANI: How does it feel?

KALIA: [barely comprehensible through a mouthful of every allowable have-not food mixed together in a bowl] Being on the block?

DANI: Yeah.

KALIA: Meh. [gobble, gobble, gobble]

DANI: I’m the last one who hasn’t been on the block yet.

KALIA: [chomp, chomp] Mmm.

DANI: Are you listening to anything I’m saying?

KALIA: I’M GONNA EAT YOU!

Meanwhile out in the back yard an equally riveting conversation is going on…If you’re riveted by ass-kissing and egocentrism, that is:

ADAM: I thought you were going to nominate Daniele?

JEFF: I know what’s up. I’m good. Don’t look me in the eyes. I am the Great And Powerful Jeff!

ADAM: You make a good point, Jeff.

JEFF: Who asked you, monkey? There was a lot more I wanted to say in my speech, but I was worried that all of the awesomeness would shoot out of my body like lightning bolts and hurt someone.

ADAM: Sometimes you say more by saying less, oh Great One.

JEFF: I like that. But you still are dirt to me.

ADAM: You showed me how to be classy in this game.

JEFF: Keep studying, young one, and some day you too may be a homophobic misogynist like Big Jeff.

ADAM: If I win veto, I would let you tell me what you think I should do with it, Master.

JEFF: Rightfully so. Now fetch me some technotronics!

[SIDEBAR: It should be noted that both the humor and repulsion in the above dialog comes from the fact that almost none of it was made up by me for comedic value, and actually went down exactly as dictated]

More idiotic conversation continues in the kitchen later on when Rachel feigns concern for Daniele’s glum mood. When Dani says she’s fine, Rachel shows that she’s as much of a therapist as she is a chemist by hypothesizing that Dani’s sorrows stem from her turning 25 years old this week. After giving sage advice about how “25 is the beginning of life”, Rachel tries to empathize with Daniele by telling her, “One time when I turned 25, I was really depressed too.” Daniele does her best to ignore Rachel, so unfortunately we don’t get to hear about all the other happier times that Rachel turned 25. After another round of incessant antagonizing, Dani has had enough and she walks outside. Rachel tries to put on a fake smile as Daniele leaves for the backyard, but it ends up looking like she just smelled a fart. As soon as Dani’s outside, Rachel shakes her head and does her patented Rachel Pout™, except that she stares directly into the camera that isn’t filming her. This actually makes it even more looney-tunes than it would’ve been if she had pulled it off as-planned. Poor attention-starved Rachel. No cameras want to play with you this week.

Time to draw names for the veto competition! Because of Daniele’s veto ticket, seven people will play, and only one person will be sitting out this week. And after the names are drawn, that person is…RACHEL! Hahaha! I love it! Taking camera time away from Rachel is like depriving a person with diabetes of their insulin. She gets feverish, near comatose, and (in extreme cases) could end up dying. This is a risk we’ll have to take this week, however. Hang in there, Rachel! You’ll do something batshit crazy enough to get you back on screen in no time, I’m sure!

After a week of dressing exactly like she appears in all of our heads, Jordan is finally allowed to remove the “humilitard”. This process takes place over the course of one of the most awkward and sexless stripteases I have ever witnessed. The whole debacle culminates in Jeff getting the stinky sweaty unitard portion of it thrown at his face, which is enough to get him all hot-and-bothered for Jordan, so they retreat to the HoH room to do whatever uncomfortable cuddling ritual couples do when they treat each other like football buddies instead of romantic partners. Unfortunately, their scandalous rendezvous is interrupted with a discussion on the correct pronunciation of the word “mischievous”. After 10 minutes neither of them can figure it out, and since there’s no third graders in the room to help them, they just decide to go to sleep.

Leading up to the veto competition, Kalia tells Daniele that she has a hunch the competition will be something that they are good at. If Kalia is right, then we’re in for the annual veto competition where you complain into a bucket, eat as much out of it as you can, and then sleep the longest. Truly regretfully, Miss Kalio read her tarot cards wrong, because we’re left with much worse…

…ZINGBOT!

My least favorite part of last season is back (okay, after Brenchel…and after the Brigade…and I guess not as bad as the Saboteur twist…come to think of it, maybe this was my favorite part of last season), and it hasn’t gained any more wit in the last 12 months. Zingbot unleashes with mediocre “zings” about Jeff’s boyish facial hair, Porsche’s ever-growing ass, Dani’s family drama, Adam’s generally disturbing appearance, Shelly’s scrotum, Kalia’s uselessness, Jordan’s destiny of eternal loneliness, and Rachel’s limited vocabulary. Rachel uses her zing as an opportunity to once again throw out one of her tiresome “No ____ gets between me and MY man” catchphrases that stopped being funny somewhere around episode 3 of last season.

The veto competition is basically to put pieces onto the shell of a robot in the fastest time possible. That’s it. We know that we’re not missing some hidden complexity because they choose Jordan’s soundbyte to describe the rules. Adam tells us that he’s “not going to try and win”, and Shelly says that she “absolutely does not want to win the veto today”. As if either of them had any other options. Since everyone playing in the competition is pretty much terrible at everything they do, Jeff pulls out an easy win. The veto he gets is connected to a huge gold chain, which we all know is obviously symbolic of Jeff’s god-like stature in the house. Or he’s a rapper. One of the two.

With Jeff having all the power, Porsche, Kalia, and Dani are scrambling. Kalia settles comfortably into her world of delusion as she tells Shelly that she is “busting her ass” and that “people are afraid” of her and, thus, want to take her out. Yeah, Kalia – all of those power naps really strike fear into the hearts of your competition. Nevertheless, she tries to make a plea to Jeff about how she has “gotten her hands dirty”, and that’s why she should stay. She must have been referring to her bold HoH move of getting a major threat like Lawon out of the house after he petitioned for himself to leave, right?…epic maneuver. Porsche also tries to make a deal with Jeff, but he (like the rest of us) doesn’t remember who she is, so he writes her off. Daniele’s the last one to try to hit up Jeff:

JEFF: I’m a little nervous about if I kept you around. What would I be offered?

DANI: Well, like…whatever…like, 100% safe…like, ummm…definitely, whatever…I swear…like, 100%…no, definitely I swear…like, whatever.

JEFF: Even after dating Jordan for two years, I have absolutely no idea what you just said to me.

Before Jeff knows it, the veto ceremony is upon him. Porsche is first to plead her case, but she just ends up re-hashing the rules of Big Brother and complimenting Jeff:

PORSCHE: I would like you to use the veto on me so I can get off the block and keep playing and compete in this game, and I like your hair.

[SIDEBAR: I really REALLY wish I was making that up, but it was 100% transcribed authentically as aired]

Kalia also takes this opportunity to waste our time explaining how Big Brother works:

KALIA: In this game you are responsible for yourself, and the only way you keep yourself safe is you win the veto. And I didn’t do that – you did.

[SIDEBAR: Again – TOTALLY not modified at all. These people are just THAT dense.]

Kalia gets confused at the end of her speech and thinks that she has to convince herself to use the veto, so she says that if she stays in the house “there is the chance to have a lot more red velvet cake.”

Jeff ends up using the power of veto to take Porsche off the block and put Daniele up in her place. With the confidence bestowed upon him from his gold-chain thug veto, he punctuates his replacement nomination with a hard-ass cocky speech about regret and Julie Chen. Just as the episode is about to end, Rachel makes one more desperate grasp for camera time the only way she knows how…with a new modification of her stupid catchphrase – “Nobody comes between me and MY alliance!”. Ugh.