Eric Stein's Reality TV Wrap

Eric Stein's Reality TV Wrap - America's Playa On Survivor, Amazing Race, Biggest Loser...
Posted on 05/09/2009 by RealityWanted in Reality Wrap

By Eric Stein

You know the excitement that you get when you hear the Ice Cream Man driving down your block on a warm summer's day? Well, multiply that feeling by 100 and that's what you have right here. I don't think it'd be going too far to call today "Christmas in May." And the reason? I, Eric Stein, am bringing my expertise to Realitywanted.com. For those of you who aren't familiar with me...you've been missing out...but here's the scoop. I was America's Player on Big Brother 8. Without exaggeration, it may have very well been one of the biggest, season-long individual twists in reality TV history. Since I like exaggeration though...let's call it positively, undoubtedly, the premier, number one, heavyweight champion of reality TV twists. The only other thing you really need to know about me is that I am one of the 25 biggest wastes of potential in this entire country. I am lazy, highly unmotivated, and value relaxation above and beyond all else. That commitment to nothingness has allowed me to become one of the preeminent, be all end all authorities on all things reality TV. If you don't believe me, read on. Since it's finale week for many of the reality big boys, let's get right down to business.

SURVIVOR
If you say something adamantly enough and continue to repeat it, does it eventually become the truth? Debbie and Coach have been suffering from what I like to call "liar's denial." Their indignant quests for the truth have been one of the most fascinating aspects of the show in recent weeks. Debbie went off on Sierra, citing "I am a 46 year old woman...I don't need to deal with a lying, 23 year old girl." Ironically, Debbie was lying through her teeth at the time. Don't get me wrong...I love liars. However, I don't like liars who don't think they are lying. And they seem to have deluded themselves into believing they are speaking the truth. Speaking of Coach, he is an excellent character...but he's a terrible player. He is transparent and mistakenly believes himself to be in control of a game that he lost control of weeks ago. Talk about Captain Delusional!

With Debbie's ouster, Taj/Stephen/JT have secured themselves as the final 3. It's a rare season of Survivor in which the three people who played the best games make it to the end...but I believe that is what we have here. By instigating a scenario in which the original Timbura members turned on each other at the merge, they took complete control of the game. That said...I don't believe that they have played the perfect game these past few weeks. In Big Brother, you need to hedge your bets because your enemy has the chance of becoming the next Head of Household or winning the Power of Veto. However, Survivor is purely a numbers game...so once you take control, there is no need to play both sides anymore. In turn, why would you target Sierra (a weak individual) before you'd target Debbie/Coach (a strong duo)? By stringing them along, all they've done is made their ultimate blindsides pointlessly aggressive. Nonetheless, they are going to be your final 3 and a deserving one at that. While Stephen and Taj will be able to better articulate their claims to the title, look for JT to take home the victory. His combination of perceived challenge skills and perceived likeability will result in the jury rewarding him.

THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE
The dream showdown! Joan "The World's #1 Comedian...and London's Too" Rivers vs. Annie "The Whore Pit Viper Hitler" Duke in a battle for supremacy. This is a prizefight that I would buy on Pay Per View. As Brandy Roderick would say..."Holy S-R-A-P." Much like Survivor and the soon to be discussed Amazing Race, the brilliance of this reality TV season is that the best of the best are battling it out in the end (which is oh so very rare in the reality TV landscape). I do have some complaints about this week's episode though. Why did we have to rush the final 5 to a final 2 in one episode? We've invested so much time into this as viewers, why would we want to plow through the most important part of the game? Also, I take exception to the notion that Jessie James should be fired because he didn't enlist his wife's services. I mean if she cut a $100,000 check to charity, would he automatically win the game? At the same time, his repeated insistence that he's merely a blue-collar guy is absurd as well. The man owns a company with 500 employees, has TV shows galore, magazines, and is married to a woman who earns $20 million per film. Sure, he may have a blue-collar mentality, but let's not go crazy here Jessie. This is the one finale that I'm truly torn about the outcome. Joan Rivers has proven to be extremely talented and quick-witted...we'd be grossly wrong to count her out. Annie profiles very similarly to last year's winner, Piers Morgan. I think that they should put them into a Thunderdome and have them fight to the death to declare a winner. Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck...SPLASH!

THE AMAZING RACE
This week brought us the most ludicrous elimination in the history of the show, as Jen cost her team a chance at the prize by taking a bathroom break. Um, whaaaaaaa?!?!? This is completely mortifying and inexplicable. You're not racing for $20 and a high five...this is a race for a million dollars! You better be damn certain that I would wet myself for a million dollars. Are you kidding me? Hell, I'd probably do it for $300, haha. They were even wearing some long flowing gowns...nobody would be the wiser. How about a cup? The floor of the cab? Or how about being a big girl and holding it for 5 more minutes and then going at the rest stop?!? This was astounding. There is NO WAY that I would have ever allowed my partner to do that. Jen, you should be ashamed of yourself. By the way, can't wait to meet you this weekend - hope you haven't read this article by then, haha.

Otherwise, this has been a high-quality, bounce back season for the race. There were several inspired casting choices that allowed for us to pick favorites to get behind. From the endearing Mel & Mike, to the boundlessly energetic Mark & Michael, to the "sinister deaf kid" Luke...there was something for everybody. Once again, I believe that the two best teams will be finishing one and two. How refreshing! Whether you love him or hate him, you have to give it to Luke & Margie. They are at a decided disadvantage, as Margie needs to do all of the driving for her team and Luke is unable to communicate directions to her while her eyes are on the road. There's no doubting that they have been front-runners from the beginning, along with Victor & Tammy. Tammy has to be one of the most down to Earth, levelheaded contestants to ever appear on the race. Combine that quality with their overt intelligence and their travel experience, and Victor and Tammy are going to be your winners.

THE BIGGEST LOSER
Another bounce back season, with MUCH more weight to lose and MUCH more likable characters. Last season it became a dastardly game with the vile henchmen Vicki & Heba running the show. Thankfully, this season we had the likes of Kristen who had the perfect perspective on the process and Tara, who has whooped the boys' butts for weeks on end. I've heard a lot of people referring to Ron as a manipulative villain. I couldn't disagree more. See, there are three types of reality TV players. Those who solely make for good TV, those who are there to play the game and not to make good TV, and those who do both. Put yourself in Ron's shoes. Their health and a whole lotta cash is on the line. Wouldn't you do anything within you power to help your own child succeed? Ron is doing what any good father would do in this situation and he's done it well. I can assure you, he could care less what the public opinion of him is, so long as Mikey wins the game. Last year, America blatantly disregarded Heba & Ed's plea to advance her into the final 3. Do not look for a repeat of that this year. America is going to vote Mikey into the final 3 and Mikey is going to deservedly win the game.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
I hate Tyra Banks. She is right on the top of my "5 Celebrities I'd Like To Punch" list. She is beyond fake, unnatural, patronizing, and permanently up on her soapbox. She drives me insane. Why did they cast the 25-year-old Celia on the show, if they were simply going to hold it against her the entire season anyway? Once she was cast, they should have dropped the age issue...or why have her in the first place? Also, Natalie was completely screw-jobbed. She was the deserving winner of this show and Tyra just seemed to personally dislike her. Man, she was so hot it makes me want to cry. Although she is the remaining contestant that I'd most like to have lunch with, Allison has no chance of winning...she can barely even walk. Aminat certainly is the most modelesque of the finalists, but she's struggled with the basic model fundamentals since the beginning. That leaves us with Teyona, who has been solid throughout but doesn't quite possess the born-in looks that Aminat possess. It's a coin toss between the two...if forced to pick, I'll go with Teyona for the win.

AMERICAN IDOL
In my estimation, Adam Lambert is in a class of his own. From day one, he has just been on a completely different plane of ability from the other singers. Don't get me wrong, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey are very talented guys, but I have friends who I go to karaoke with who sing as well as they do. On the other hand, Adam is a total world beater...he's an elite talent. On pure vocal ability, Adam has joined Clay Aiken as the strongest male singers to ever appear on the show. Ultimately, I am hoping that talent will win out...although America has seemingly had a love affair with The Gokey since day one, so neither result would surprise me. Kris Allen has been a great story. With absolutely no screen time in the audition rounds, he has gone on an unlikely run to the top. It reminds me of Elliott Yamin's underdog run from a few years back. And much like Yamin, he should go on to have a very solid career from the three hole. I'd also like to note that I have designs on becoming Megan Joy's second husband. I loved her quirk. And her extreme hotness. Hell, I was so enamored with her...I even loved her voice.

I LOVE MONEY 2
This was a GREAT show! I'd call it my guilty pleasure, but my love affair with this show goes well beyond that. Much like season 1, this show is just absolutely an instant classic. There is something about a group of not the smartest people competing in a high stakes mental game. And somehow, they manage to pull off some really genius moments of strategy. It (the man, not the pronoun) was hilarious. The Entertainer always brings great television (he's another Coach...awesome character, not so awesome player). However, kudos to Tailor Made who is that rare breed who manages to juggle his role as a great player, while still managing to be a great character. He played a brilliant game. I loved how he teamed up with It, who actually stole his flowers and took credit for buying them on I Love NY 2. Let bygones, be bygones, haha. The one thing that disappoints me about the show is that it's predominantly a mental game, which is ultimately decided by a predominantly physical final challenge. In turn, the person who dominated the entire game did not win in the end.

HELL'S KITCHEN
Not much to say about this really. I predict Paula for the win. Kudos to Danny though, whose girlfriend is way hotter than I would have ever expected her to be. Trust me, I can really appreciate reality TV stars that date over their heads. Gotta love "The Velvet Hammer." Haha.

TOUGH LOVE
Was there ultimately any point to this show? Not a single relationship ultimately came out of it. Considering that was the entire point of the show, that doesn't make Steve a very good matchmaker, now does it?

NEW YORK GOES TO WORK
I've seen this show before...it's called The Simple Life. Do they think we are so dumb that we have forgotten that already? It even has that very same scripted, half-reality quality that was so prevalent on The Simple Life. Having been through America's voting ringer, the one thing that I can guarantee is that the viewers will always pick the worst option of the three for her. You'd think I'd be sympathetic to that, but actually I just take solace in knowing that other people have to go through it like I did.

THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER
Ultimate irony this week on The Ultimate Fighter. A fighter was offered a $100 bonus from his teammate if he knocked out his opponent's tooth during their fight. Guess what? His opponent knocked out his teeth instead. Whoops. Serves him right.

REALITY BITES
*The best sound bytes from this week in reality television*

"I grew out my big toe for 6 months...and then someone came along with vicious, malicious intent and they cut those toenails. And that is why I had to do what was right and call him into the Duel." -Real World/Road Rules Challenge's Isaac on why he called Landon into the Duel

"Apparently, his testicles are bleeding. I'm sorry, there's no way to sugar coat that one...his testicles are bleeding." Make Me a Supermodel's Sandhurst commenting on a manscaping incident on set

"I'm not afraid to put on my assertive panties to get things done." Andrea on Hell's Kitchen

"Yes, I do regret it...cause she doesn't have a mustache." The Celebrity Apprentice's Joan Rivers on whether or not she regrets calling a fellow contestant Hitler

"I feel like a crack head in the Crack Olympics or somethin'." and "I'm not gonna run across that things even if I had wings." - An incoherent IT sharing his thoughts on the competition on I Love Money 2

"I don't speak gibberish...I speak Canadian English." - Evan on Real World/Road Rules Challenge

"Go ahead and cry...it's male domination, get it. This world is run by bitches." The Fashion Show's Merlin while trying to be a good team leader

"I don't want my son to be, well you know...gay...so I walk around the house naked all the time." - Make Me a Supermodel's Amanda sharing some disturbing parenting tips

"Light competition, red dishes I've played before. Oil comes again to please the mouth. Good doll basket drum." (....) "We black, not Chinese." - The Amazing Race's Jen & Kisha trying to speak Chinese

"Okay, so we won't have the World's #1 Comedian...London's too...do any comedy. I'll just walk across like Helen Keller would have." -The Celebrity Apprentice's Joan Rivers trying to sell project manager, Clint Black, on why she should be allowed to say "cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck...SPLASH!" during their presentation

Eric Stein's Reality TV Wrap - America's Playa Talks Spring '09 Finales From Survivor To The Biggest Loser

Man, sometimes I just love my life. It's all too easy to embrace my inner, jaded New Yorker and resort to a life of complete bitterness. Yet sometimes even I have to sit back and appreciate the good fortune that shines down upon me. And these past few weeks have been glorious. And why do you find me grinning like a school girl, skipping through the meadows, and pooping rainbows of joy? No, it's not because I was naked in the ocean this past weekend. I mean, I was...but, I digress. It's actually the same reason as all of you...reality TV finales! We've had everything under the sun, including Hitler in the boardroom, mud-covered weaves flying down the runway, dragon slayers, women who look like dragons (cough cough, Lacey from Hell's Kitchen), and about five too many rounds of Jager bombs at 4:30 AM at the finale parties. It's been epic. By the way, to pat myself on the back (why do people say "not to pat myself on the back"? I mean, clearly, if you are touting your own successes…you are doing it to indeed pat yourself on the back)...I predicted Joan Rivers, Victor & Tammy, Teyona, and JT to win their respective shows in my last column. Please send me gold stars and freshly baked cookies. Let's get down to business.

AMERICAN IDOL
While the final vote itself was not, I would say that if you look at the season at large from start to finish...this is the single biggest upset in reality TV history. Kris had absolutely no time during the audition and semifinal rounds. At the top of the final 36 or even the top 13, this result was almost unfathomable. The thing is, I like Kris. I almost like him a lot. For me personally, he was my 4th favorite Idol this season (after Adam, Scott, and Megan) in terms of whom I'd root on for the win. I think he is rock solid, humble, sincere, and likable. He impressed with his arrangements and his music is certainly viable in today's market. The problem is...Adam is an ELITE talent. He's a once a decade talent. He is at the level of Freddie Mercury/Steven Tyler/Mick Jagger/David Bowie etc. Look no further than their rendition of "We Are The Champions" on finale night....Kris sounded good...Adam outright slayed it. Kris played a college campus style jam with Keith Urban, while Adam fronted an arena rock show with KISS. I will spare you all of my grandstanding, but let's just say I spent most of that night ranting and raving about the frightening state of America after this vote. I'm tempted to call Adam to offer him my sympathies, as someone who went through America's voting ringer.

I run an Idol pool every year amongst friends, family, and reality stars/journalists/executives. Our initial overall average predictions had Kris coming in tenth place. Yes, going home in week 4. Also, I've been running this pool for a solid 4 seasons now and for the first time ever, out of every participant...not a single one of us correctly predicted the winner of the show. Between us, we selected EIGHT potential winners (Adam, Danny, Lil, Scott, Sarver, Alexis, Anoop, Allison)....and not a single vote was cast for Kris to win. Wow.

Again though, Adam's greatness should not diminish Kris. This is beyond apples and oranges. If both men are at the top of their genres, it becomes for of an issue of personal preference than anything. I mean, how could you compare Kanye West vs. Paul Simon? Or Norah Jones vs. Fred Durtz? When artists are polar opposites, but both excel at what they do, what do you do with that? I'd say that this is the first time that this concept has truly applied to the finale. However, we all know that when we look back this will be another Ruben/Clay or Daughtry/Taylor situation, as Adam is going to go on to have a major, major career. I actually hope Kris does too.

THE AMAZING RACE

I had the pleasure of spending the night before the finale with the cast of the Race. As a whole, they were an extremely likable group of individuals. Not only were they very friendly, but also many of them were extremely well spoken and far more put together than the average reality TV participant. They also all were ridiculously attractive and ridiculously tall, haha. This was a top-notch group of people. My biggest objection to the finale is that the final leg needs to be the longest leg of the race, not the shortest leg. After weeks of racing, it should not simply come down to whose cab driver is the fastest. In fact, I think cabs should not even be a form of transportation on the final leg. They should live and die by their own navigation skills. I know that the producers set it up this way by design to try to fabricate a close ending, but honestly I'd far rather see them fight it out fairly over the course of several events even if the end result is that one team wins by a landslide. I really felt for Luke. As an avid reality TV lover, this was undoubtedly a dream come true for him and he's going to live with the burden of his puzzle-solving failures for a long time to come. I sincerely hope he doesn't let that overshadow the wildly impressive nature of the rest of his experience on the show.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Who cares? Will anyone ever see Teyona again aside from the Cover Girl commercials that only air during next year's show? I'm excited for next season, as all of the models are going to be 5'7" and shorter! Finally some Top Model contestants that I can actually hit on without being totally emasculated, hahaha.

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Wow! Major, major, major upsets here! If anybody put money down on a quiniela, perfecta, or exacta on Jerry to win the at home prize and Helen to win the show, just won themselves some very serious money. I guess it's probably not PC to refer to horse gambling when referring to these contestants, but oh well. I was AMAZED by what Jerry did. Not only was he the oldest contestant, but also he was only on the ranch very briefly, meaning he lost 177 almost entirely on his own. The man nearly died on the first days of workouts! I was delighted for him. And Helen! Holy cabooses! Tara was the percentage leader prior to heading home and was a challenge dominator all season long. Michael was the all-time weight loss leader on the ranch. Yet Helen scored the highest percentage of weight loss at home and pulled off a major shocker. The fact that they all lost over 52.72% of their weight is remarkable. An interesting note is that Ron (who didn't even make the final ultimately) actually lost the most weight (by almost 10 pounds) during the period of time that the four potential finalists were sent home prior to the finale. Aubrey actually gained 3 pounds in her time at home - what a waste. I'd like to go on next season to show people like her up. I figure I'm roughly 165 pounds. In order to win, I would have to lose 54.5%. So I need to get down to 89.925 lbs for the win. Think I can manage that without being hospitalized? I'd be sure to have some impressive abs, as you'd actually be able to make out my internal organs!

SURVIVOR

For the first time in 18 seasons of Survivor, the winner not only never had a vote cast against him all season, but also won a unanimous final vote. Then again, Stephen only had one throwaway vote cast against him all season as well. That immediately elicits two responses. First...they played an amazing game. Second...how in the heck did the other players let this happen? JT ad Stephen DOMINATED this game. Look no further than the dynamic at the final five. All three of Coach, Taj, and Erinn were not only planning on, but relying on going to the final 3 with them. This was a royal butt-whoopin' extraordinaire. It is my understanding that after going home and watching the season, several of the jury members would have changed their votes in Stephen's favor. Yet, that really makes zero difference (other than to cause the runner-up greater aggravation), as it's only the perception at the time that matters. Stephen made one very compelling argument in the final tribal council. He stated that he cast a vote to evict every single one of the jury members (once again, it's tough to separate the two, as JT voted to evict all but one of them as well). That is VERY impressive. That means he was on the right side of every vote from the halfway point on. The blood was on his hands. I strongly believe that argument should have carried a little more weight.

I had the pleasure of spending most of the finale weekend with cast members past and present. I'm not a narc, so I'm not going to spill anything too juicy...sorry, I'm just not that guy. Here’s a brief overview though. One of the most fascinating elements was being able to watch the finale with several past players. Hearing their game play assessments, along with their rooting interests made the entire experience far more riveting. Aside from that, we had a ridiculously good time on both Saturday and Sunday night. The thing about reality TV stars is that we are all a bunch of crazies. You have to figure, thousands of people apply...so good/bad or in between, there's a reason that these people get selected to appear on the shows. Love them or hate them, they are interesting, multi-dimensional people who love to have a good time. In addition to a regular who's who of Survivors, we were joined by All Stars from Big Brother and Amazing Race, winners from Beauty and the Geek and Momma's Boys, I Love New Yorkers, and many more. You know you've had a good weekend when 5 AM is your early night.

THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

I believe that a common theme amongst many of this week's finales was that we really couldn't go wrong. This is the first reality TV season in ages that show after show found us with the two most deserving players battling it out in the end. Sure, you may have been on Team Joan or Team Annie, but you can't argue that the season's most compelling, entertaining, and deserving characters battled it out in the end. One interesting note is that at the end of the day, although Joan won, Annie actually ended up making far more money for her charity. The honest truth is there were no losers here, as massive amounts of money poured into some great charities. As he was luring people onto their bus to buy Cirque de Soleil tickets Tom Green had the quote of the finale season. "Excuse me, young man...hop in the bus, we've got some candy for you." Gotta love lecherous behavior.

So where do we go from here? Do we run the risk of crashing into a major depression now that all of these seasons are through? Never! That is the beauty of reality TV - it never ends! We still have The Duel 2, Make Me a Supermodel, The Ultimate Fighter ongoing; So You Think You Can Dance, Hitched or Ditched, Here Come the Newlyweds, and The Bachelorette have all begun already; and I'm A Celebrity Get Me Outta Here, America's Got Talent, Big Brother, Top Chef Masters, Next Food Network Star, and plenty of others on the horizon. It's an unlimited supply and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"I’m A Fame Whore, Get Me Airtime" aka I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here: Week 1 Wrapup
By Eric Stein

Last week, America was introduced to the re-boot of “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here”…or as I like to call it, “I’m A Fame Whore, Get Me Airtime.” This is car crash television at its finest...no matter how horrifying it is to stare, I find that I just can’t quite look away. And that’s why I find myself watching every second and writing columns about this atrocity – it’s just so completely awful, that it becomes magnificent. This is the best worst show that I’ve seen in ages. I actually feel guilty rewarding the producers by even calling further attention to this dreck, but I’m an unadulterated reality TV junkie…I just can’t help myself. Where do I even begin in dissecting this madness? This column’s target will be the “celebrities” themselves.

Man oh man would I love to get a hold of the casting short list for this show. Prior to casting a show, the casting producers make a wish list of sorts. Suffice it to say, I don’t suspect that Frangela were on the top of said wish list. I have never heard of Frangela. I never should have heard of Frangela. And if I, a self-fashioned entertainment guru, haven’t heard of them – very few people have. From what I can tell though, they are apparently the fore fathers of a new form of entertainment – comedians who aren’t funny. They could have saved money on John Salley’s contract by just painting the set pieces and letting us watch them dry. I find it extremely hard to believe that he was in their top 300 choices for former athletes…what, was Belmont Stakes winner, Summer Bird, busy? Patti Blagojevich…um, her “fame” is that her husband is an accused criminal. If that was the sole criteria, why not just have Ruth Madoff as well? At least her husband’s crime was a little more prolific. I’ve actually worked with Torrie Wilson before. She’s a former Playmate if nothing else.

Stephen Baldwin is creating a whole new spin on entertainment in his own right. He has reinvented what he is famous for. I’m really not sure that he was ever famous in the first place, but he’s surely more known for his never-ending reality TV appearances than he is for any alleged acting career. Celebrity Mole: Hawaii, Celebrity Mole: Yucatan, Ty Murray’s Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge, Celebrity Apprentice, and now this. There are endless people they could use on these shows, so why do we need to see his tired act for the 5th time? On the sliding scale of Baldwins, Daniel is even worse. He’s like the me of the Stein family. My older brother is a Harvard graduated lawyer. My younger brother works for the biggest, most successful asset management institution in the country. And I was on reality TV. Talk about a black sheep. And since the show seems to love the lesser siblings of actually famous people, Holly Montag is allegedly joining the cast this week. Bryan Spears, the little known brother to Britney and Jamie Lynn, is probably en route to Costa Rica as we speak. Apparently the producers think it’s fair to allow contestants to come and go as they please, not be subjected to vote offs, and still be allowed to win the prize.

I’d be remiss to not at least mention the stars of the show, Speidi. I actually winced as I typed that, but it’s true. For me, things get a little cloudy with Heidi “we were possessed by the Devil” Montag and Spencer “I made those labels myself” Pratt. Are they actors? Are they real people? Are they actors portraying themselves? It’s a little tricky to decipher what’s real from fake when you are dealing with people who are accustomed to portraying caricatures of their own selves. The thing is, people are giving them far too much credit. Left and right, I’ve heard reality experts touting them as the smartest people in TV. That is assigning them far too much self-awareness. I believe what you see is what you get. I don’t think this is a conscious ploy to get airtime or ratings or stardom. It’s merely a side effect of their conduct. It just so happens that it’s really freakin’ entertaining to watch people constantly make asses of themselves. Rude, unappreciative morons make good TV. But to assume that they are doing this intentionally would be false. Some of it, yes…but most of the truly appalling parts, no. I believe them to be honest to goodness brats. Self-entitled, delusional, spoiled buffoons…and that just so happens to be engaging. Their antics would be dreadful in real life…thankfully, we get to watch them from afar. They told off the freakin’ head of NBC. I find it very hard to believe that they were not fully aware of what they signed up for, so why are they acting like they weren’t? Make no mistake about it…Spencer Pratt is a grade A asshole. His celebrity is a sham. Thanks to the US Weekly’s and TMZ's of the world, he has been allowed and even encouraged to buy into his own pseudo-fame. Let me point out that The Hills is viewed by roughly 3.5 million viewers an episode, once a week. Just as a point of comparison, when I was on Big Brother, it was viewed by roughly 8 million viewers, three times a week. And let me assure you, I’m far from a celebrity. And yet, this guy thinks he’s the cock of the walk. Well, strut your feathers all you want Spencer, but I’m not buying it.

Here’s who I would prefer to see battle it out in the jungle (and my second choices, if my first choice were to be unavailable or decline):

- Ponce de Leon; World Explorer and Founder of the Fountain of Youth
(Vasco de Gama)
- Lorena Bobbitt; the world’s foremost expert on penis-cutting
(Sarah Proctor, accused witch during Salem Witch Trials)
- Spuds McKenzie; deceased surfing dog extraordinaire
(Comet Tanner, star of the hit series Full House)
- Jonathan Lipnicki; that kid from Jerry Maguire – but I want him to be the age and character he was in the movie and keep yelling, “do you know bees and dogs smell fear?” (Kavya Shivashankar, winner of this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee – the winning word was laodicean)
- Betty White; star of Golden Girls
(Angela Lansbury, star of Murder She Wrote) – What do they have in common, you may ask? Nothing. They are both old.
- Bernie Getz; killed a man in self-defense on the NYC subways….if Rodney King can be a reality star, why can’t he?
(Ho Chi Minh, they both appeared as lyrics in Bill Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire, so why not?)
- Rod “He Hate Me” Smart; star of the defunct XFL and grammatical wizard
(Maurice Clarrett...not entirely sure when he gets out of jail, so he can play via satellite)
- The Bush Twins; former presidential daughters and reknowned trouble makers
(Patty & Selma Bouvier; famous twins and animated stars of The Simpsons or The Sweet Valley High twins, stars of their own tween book series)
- Kevin Federline; America’s most famous ex-husband
(Jordan Bratman…I’ve always wanted to know him better to understand why Christina Aguilera married him)
- Placido Domingo; the Spanish tenor
(Dizzy Gillespie, American Trumpeteer who passed on in 1993)
- Perez Hilton; the notorious fame whore would agree to anything to get on TV
(Harvey Levin, that bozo who runs TMZ, so he could get a taste of his own medicine)
- Anna Dunn; cut in the Vegas round of this year’s So You Think You Can Dance and possibly the hottest girl I’ve ever seen in my life…we need a token hottie
(Courtney Galliano from last season’s SYTYCD….Kherington went on to star in the remake of FAME, Chelsie is starring on Dancing With The Stars…I’d hate for her to feel left out)

Maybe I can get on season 2. Hey, I need the payday so I can stop writing articles about these awful (yet simultaneously riveting and wonderful) shows. Until then though, I’ve gotta keep on writing so I can afford to eat lunch tomorrow. Later in the week I’ll be examining the unabashed blatant producer manipulation, the legitimately dangerous challenges that left Mr. La Bamba himself mauled by angry rodents, and more on the king of all douchery, Spencer Pratt. I figure, we’re all already wasting 5 hours a week that we will never get back by watching this ludicrous show, so what’s wasting 5 more minutes to read my equally mediocre column? Hopefully much like the show, you will find that while my recaps are epically painful, somehow you just can’t quite take your eyes off of them. Stay tuned for more of my installments on I’m A Fame Whore, Get Me Airtime.