AI: Top 24

Crystal Bowersox


Hometown: Elliston, OH
Currently Resides: Toledo, OH
Age: 24
Peak Moment to Date: Showed off a rich, powerful tone on Sheryl Crow's ''If It Makes You Happy'' while strumming the guitar and breaking out the harmonica.
Achilles' Heel?: Certain segments of Idol fans are notoriously tough on rocker chicks, women with tattoos, and single mothers.

Follow Crystal on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Michelle Delamor


Hometown: Miami, FL
Currently Resides: Miami, FL
Age: 22

Peak Moment to Date: Served up a sexy ''Chain of Fools'' in an Idol season 9 promo.
Achilles' Heel?: Aside from a four-second solo singing ''Irreplaceable'' (with Ashley Rodriguez and Charity Vance) during group rounds, she's been season 9's invisible woman.

Follow Michelle on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Ashley Rodriguez


Hometown: Chelsea, MA
Currently Resides: Chelsea, MA
Age: 22
Peak Moment to Date: Got dubbed an early front-runner thanks to a solid cover of ''If I Ain't Got You'' during Idol's season 9 premiere.
Achilles' Heel?: Has the voice and the look, but hasn't yet shown the inventiveness it takes to win the competition in a post-David Cook era.

Follow Ashley on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Janell Wheeler


Hometown: Tampa, FL
Currently Resides: Tampa, FL
Age: 24
Peak Moment to Date: Delivered a knockout, folksy twist on ''American Boy'' during Day One of Hollywood Week, but that sumptuous audition snippet to ''House of the Rising Sun'' remains her crowning achievement.
Achilles' Heel?: Final Hell Week performance of Taylor Swift's ''Love Story'' was kind of a mess, with Janell admitting she couldn't handle the pressure. Will she crack when she has to perform live for 25 million people?

Follow Janell on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Siobhan Magnus


Hometown: Cape Cod, MA
Currently Resides: Marstons Mills, MA
Age: 20
Peak Moment to Date: Thirty-second snippet of Hollywood Week solo on ''Living for the City'' proved she's got as much vocal horsepower as any woman in the competition.
Achilles' Heel?: Siobhan's frocks have veered from granny garish (a heavy white-lace top Ellen described as too old) to gimmicky '80s kitsch (newsflash! only Dancing With the Stars' Edyta Sliwinska is allowed to wear legwarmers in prime time!).

Follow Siobhan on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Lacey Brown


Hometown: Amarillo, TX
Currently Resides: Amarillo, TX
Age: 24
Peak Moment to Date: A top 50 contestant in season 8, her ''Over the Rainbow'' was a definite highlight of the talent-packed ''Road to Hollywood'' audition episode.
Achilles' Heel?: Her subtle style — that Hollywood Week rendition of ''What a Wonderful World'' occasionally dissipated to a whisper — might work against her when she's backed by Idol's ''Bandzilla.''

Follow Lacey on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Lilly Scott


Hometown: Littleton, CO
Currently Resides: Denver, CO
Age: 20
Peak Moment to Date: Wasn't shown during the audition rounds, but her nuanced, acoustic cover of ''Lullaby of Birdland'' on Day One of Hollywood Week turned her into an instant contender.
Achilles' Heel?: Pushed her vocals too hard on Hall and Oates's ''Rich Girl'' for her final Hell Week performance; needs to remember that the show has evolved past its former ''bigger is always better'' ways.

Follow Lilly on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Haeley Vaughn


Hometown: Fort Collins, CO
Currently Resides: Fort Collins, CO
Age: 16
Peak Moment to Date: It was almost impossible not to be charmed by her zippy audition to Carrie Underwood's ''Last Name.''
Achilles' Heel?: It was almost impossible not to be appalled by her botched lyrics to ''Sweet Escape'' and botched notes on ''I'm Yours'' during Hell Week. Needs to pull it together — pronto! — or this adorable kid will be the first one swept overboard this season.

Follow Haeley on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Paige Miles


Hometown: Naples, FL
Currently Resides: Houston, TX
Age: 24
Peak Moment to Date: As Simon sent her through to the top 24, he told Paige she was a better vocalist than she realized.
Achilles' Heel?: Other than a brief flash of her doing backup vocals on Neapolitan's a capella ''Bad Romance'' (in which she didn't even get identified!) Paige has been largely absent from the season 9 proceedings. Do the producers realize she is auditioning for Idol, not Without a Trace?

Follow Paige on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Didi Benami


Hometown: Knoxville, TN
Currently Resides: Los Angeles, CA
Age: 23
Peak Moment to Date: Wowed the judges in Hollywood with a gorgeous rendition of the Kara DioGuardi-penned ''Terrified.''
Achilles' Heel?: Near-constant crying and relentless references to deceased friend could quickly go from affecting to annoying.

Follow Didi on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Katie Stevens


Hometown: Middlebury, CT
Currently Resides: Middlebury, CT
Age: 17
Peak Moment to Date: Her Boston audition performance of ''At Last'' was powerful and in-tune, and possessed an elegance and depth impressive for so young a vocalist.
Achilles' Heel?: The show's relentless mentions of her Alzheimer's-afflicted grandmother have threatened to overshadow Katie's vocal talents. J'enough!

Follow Katie on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Katelyn Epperly


Hometown: West Des Moines, IA
Currently Resides: West Des Moines, IA
Age: 19
Peak Moment to Date: Shania Twain said her audition to ''Syrup and Honey'' showcased the kind of voice that could make a hit record.
Achilles' Heel?: Simon and Ellen both criticized Katelyn's Hollywood Week performances; is it possible she's being pegged for the Kristy Lee Cook/Haley Scarnato ''pretty girl punching-bag'' slot?

Follow Katelyn on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.


Tyler Grady


Hometown: Nazareth, PA
Currently Resides: Nazareth, PA
Age: 20
Peak Moment to Date: His strangely sexy audition to ''Let's Get It On'' has already scored him a fanbase called ''Grady's Ladies,'' and his retro-cool vibe should be fun to watch juxtaposed with Idol's cheesy machinery.
Achilles' Heel?: Producers pretty much ignored him throughout Hollywood Week. WTF? (Why the face?)

Follow Tyler on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Aaron Kelly


Hometown: Sonestown, PA
Currently Resides: Sonestown, PA
Age: 16
Peak Moment to Date: Improved on Miley Cyrus' original when he performed ''The Climb'' in Orlando, and his ''yes, ma'am'' charms will play well with fans of squishy teenage contestants.
Achilles' Heel?: Flubbed his lyrics not once, but twice, after scoring a Golden Ticket; at the tender age of 16, we're not sure he's ready for this jelly.

Follow Aaron on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Todrick Hall


Hometown: Arlington, TX
Currently Resides: Arlington, TX
Age: 24
Peak Moment to Date: Of the umpteen renditions of ''I'm Yours'' during the Hollywood rounds, Todrick's showy, inventive take (featuring flourishes of falsetto and growl) was the best.
Achilles' Heel?: Most of his interview footage — getting snippy as part of ''Destiny's Wild,'' macking on bikini babes while lounging poolside — has been Rated A...for Annoying!

Follow Todrick on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




John Park


Hometown: Northbrook, IL
Currently Resides: Evanston, IL
Age: 21
Peak Moment to Date: The rich, sexy baritone he showed off on Blood Sweat and Tears' ''I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know'' left Shania Twain drooling like a Pavlovian canine.
Achilles' Heel?: Lone Hollywood Week footage included John's voiceover expressing vague disappointment with his performance.

Follow John on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Tim Urban


Hometown: Duncanville, TX
Currently Resides: Duncanville, TX
Age: 20
Peak Moment to Date: Impressive mop of hair and last-minute semifinal substitution for disqualified Chris Golightly are his current claims to fame.
Achilles' Heel?: His butchery of David Cook's ''Come Back to Me'' will not please season 7 loyalists.

Follow Tim on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Casey James


Hometown: Fort Worth, TX
Currently Resides: Fort Worth, TX
Age: 27
Peak Moment to Date: Made a big splash taking off his shirt for Kara, but it was a bluesy ''I Don't Need No Doctor'' on Day 1 of Hollywood Week that proved he's got a legit shot at the season 9 crown.
Achilles' Heel?: He can sing for sure, but both his audition and his Hell Week cover of ''Bubbly'' betrayed a lackluster stage presence that could get exacerbated on Idol's big stage.

Follow Casey on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Michael Lynche


Hometown: Astoria, NY
Currently Resides: Astoria, NY
Age: 26
Peak Moment to Date: Personal trainer has the jauntiest personality of the season 9 crop — loved that shuffle-y dance after he cracked the top 24 — and scored plenty of screentime after his wife gave birth during his Hollywood run.
Achilles' Heel?: ''She's at eight centimeters!'' Seriously, dude? Also, his acoustic version of ''I'm Yours'' threw up a red flag about problems with breath support and pitch.

Follow Michael on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Lee Dewyze


Hometown: Mount Prospect, IL
Currently Resides: Mount Prospect, IL
Age: 23
Peak Moment to Date: Brief audition snippet of ''Ain't No Sunshine'' (which was presented side-by-side with Crystal Bowersox's ''Piece of My Heart'') showcased a hot, gruff vocal.
Achilles' Heel?: Botched the intro to the chorus of ''You Found Me'' in his final performance — and that lackluster rust cap and blue t-shirt weren't exactly screaming ''music superstar,'' either.

Follow Lee on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Andrew Garcia


Hometown: Moreno Valley, CA
Currently Resides: Moreno Valley, CA
Age: 24
Peak Moment to Date: His acoustic twist on Paula Abdul's ''Straight Up'' was one of the best Hollywood Week performances in Idol's nine-season history.
Achilles' Heel?: It's always dangerous to peak too early in the competition; Idol voters love to see growth as much (if not a bit more) than consistent excellence.

Follow Andrew on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Joe Muñoz


Hometown: Huntington Park, CA
Currently Resides: Huntington Park, CA
Age: 20
Peak Moment to Date: Didn't hit any bum notes during a 10-second, blink-and-miss cover of ''Man in the Mirror'' during Hell Week.
Achilles' Heel?: Near total airtime shut-out makes him potential semifinal cannon fodder, unless, as Randy might say, he ''blows it out the box, dude!''

Follow Joe on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Alex Lambert


Hometown: Fort Worth, TX
Currently Resides: North Richland Hills, TX
Age: 19
Peak Moment to Date: Survived working with she-beast Mary Powers performing Fleetwood Mac's ''Dreams'' in the group round; name similarity to a rather popular season 8 finalist might win him a few votes, too?
Achilles' Heel?: His ukelele showed more charisma than he did during his paint-by-numbers rendition of Jason Mraz's ''I'm Yours.''

Follow Alex on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.




Jermaine Sellers


Hometown: Joliet, IL
Currently Resides: Joliet, IL
Age: 27
Peak Moment to Date: His audition, a soulful and sweet reworking of Joan Osborne's ''One of Us,'' was intriguing and unexpected.
Achilles' Heel?: Has a tendency to indulge in showboat-y vocals; that glory note in ''Carry On Wayward Son'' during the group round was as subtle (and enjoyable) as a kick to the groin.

Follow Jermaine on Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace.

Paige - Seriously?! This is one of the Top 12 girls?! We must be hearing different people..And then they PRAISED HER?! WTF?!
Ashley - I didn't know Kim Kardashian could sing?! I liked her. She's definitely in my top 6 girls.
Janell - OMGA! AH-MAZING! I LOVE.THIS.GIRL!!!
Lilly - Well that was hellacious...
Katelyn - She is precious, and she surprised me! I liked her, but now I like her more. (I just wish she'd change her hair!)
Haeley - I hope you plan on replacing the window you broke...That was fucking horrible!
Lacey - She is strangely pretty to me, and her voice has potential. I just didn't like something about it. It's like there were parts I liked, parts I didn't..
Michelle - I wasn't sure about her doing Alicia Keys, but she actually really impressed me!
DiDi - IIIIIIIII LOVEEEEEE THE WAYYAYYY YOUUUUOOOO SINGGGG! <33333 This was better than the original.
Siobhan - That was so boring...I almost took a power nap then I realized I'd probably have a nightmare about her picking out my outfit for tomorrow..
Crystal - Must she blow that thing? Lose the dreads, fix your teeth, then we'll talk..
Katie - I really liked her. I thought she was good!!

Predictions:
Paige & Lacey are done.

Final 24 Girls Sing: Go Pooter!

As Ryan declares, "Now we get serious with your Top 24." See, they're admitting the last month and a half were total crap and a waste of everybody's time. That's okay though, because we finally get to vote, and that's all that matters, rigging this goofy billion dollar karaoke contest with it's unhealthily obssesed fans.

If you're new to Grading The idols, or if you've forgotten what the deal is here, I am Professor Chan. I watch the show, make sarcastic comments and assign meaningless grades to the performances. Let me just briefly answer some F.A.Q. and then we'll get down to business.

Q: If you hate American Idol so much, why do you watch it and waste time writing about it?
A: I don't hate American Idol, I mostly enjoy the bad singing and themed nights. And I waste so much time and energy writing about it because I am demented.

Q: Are you a failed singer?
A: No, I have never tried to sing. I feel no resentment towards these performers. In fact I feel sorry for them. 99% of these people will fall off the face of the planet hours after getting eliminated. And the prize for winning the show is to sing The Worst Song In The History Of The World, which will kill your career faster than your home-made porno tape. In fact, in some ways your home porno is a bigger career boost than American Idol. And it involves the same amount of shame and degradation.

Q: Do you grade on a curve, and if so why?
A: Yes. Because these aren't real singers. They are non-professional soon to be re-undiscovered singers. These people will never be as good as the original performers, so it's pointless to say so. So I could either give everyone big fat FAILS, or I can grade them against the other Idols that are on the show and came before them.

Q: How could you give a good grade to a singer you don't like who sang a song you hate? A: Although I enjoy bad singing, I also enjoy people playing the game of Idol as well. So shrewd choice of recognizable, catchy songs and exploiting the theme each week will garner good grades from me. That's how I could appreciate David Cook's run for victory even though I thought he was a cheap Daughtry knock-off.

Q: What is the most ridiculous critique by the judges, that just gets your goat?

A: Whatever Kara says, but also when the judges harp on "originality." It's next to impossible to be original singing karaoke versions of over-played hit songs from eons ago. We all know any "original" performance was caused by someone downloading a lesser known cover of a song and imitating that (See David Cook and Chris Cornell's "Billie Jean.") I think it's just good strategy. (Hey, David Cook won, right)? I don't give a crap if it's "original" because this is American Idol. And as Bowersox says "They don't let us do originals on the show." So please no more e-mails about how "Simon called it original, but he stole it from X band singing a cover on youtube." I don't care and I'm pretty sure Simon doesn't either.

That should answer everyone's questions. Now on with the show.

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I have to say, if this is Simon's final season on Idol he's going out on a roll. He was on fire, shattering dreams right and left. His comments were spot on and he seemed to give a damn for the first time in about five years. It probably helps that he hasn't done any actual work in about two months. Let's see if he's still on point six weeks in and Barry Manilow Night is kicking everyone's ass.

It also makes Simon's job easier when most of these overhyped girl singers sucked tonight, and it was painfully obvious to everyone with ears that "the most talented group of singers in the universe" is more like three okay singers and 9 duds.

Also Ellen Degeneres FAILS her first real test as an Idol judge. Ellen, (or "E" as Randy called her) admitted not knowing much about music, and it was clear after singer number two that she didn't really have any meaningful criticism other than "You're a good singer" or "I liked it." If she's not making jokes, she's pretty useless. Say what you will about Kara DioGuardi, she's lame, horny and emotionally needy, but she... Okay, she's pretty worthless too.

Apparently the theme tonight is Songs from the Billboard Charts. So the Idols could pick pretty much any song that's ever been played on the radio. Which forces me to down-grade these thoroughly mediocre and uninspired performances tonight.
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Paige Miles -- "All Right Now" by Free
What's with these floppy knit caps on Idol this season? That's a new wrinkle in the Professor Chan Idol Home Drinking Game. Floppy knit caps are worth a drink now. For the record, take a drink every time Randy says "dawg." Simon makes some ridiculous over-the-top hyperbole "That was the best/worst/most horrible thing I've ever heard in my entire life." And take a long drink every time Seacrest inappropriatly touches any contestants or crew members. Oh and take a sip for every D Grade non-celebrity they show in the audience. And former American Idol contestants don't count.

Oh, right Paige was singing. She starts off too low and basically goes nowhere new or interesting with "A wedding singer type song" as Simon calls it. Paige gets the award for most singing effort tonight, as she grunts and strains her way through the song and threatens to devour the mic on the final glory note. But I don't give grades for effort. It was a mediocre performance to start the singing portion of the season. Oh and Paige and the editors do their best to destroy her chances of winning when they use the bite that as a school teacher she's used to "wipping snot out of kid's noses" and later Ryan embarrasses her by going out of his way to point out that Paige has been holding her wee-wee for the past 5 hours. Great, I didn't need to know that. But now I do.

GRADE: C- -- Way to waste her powerful soul stylings on an overplayed rock song with a repetitive two note chorus.

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Ashley Rodriguez -- "With Happy" as sung by Leona Lewis
Ashley is trying her hardest to be the Jordin Sparks Mini-Me on this show. She looks like her, she idolizes her and she has terrible taste in music like Jordin too. She starts too low and wastes two minutes of my time. The song was so boring it put my ears to sleep. She was out of tune on the chorus and generally sucked in a typical American Idol sort of way. She also admits to liking these X-Factor/American Idol pablum songs songs, so Ashley and I are not going to get along.

GRADE: D -- There is nothing to recommend about her performance. Also, ditch this "I love Jordin Sparks and anything Simon produces" B.S. Nobody likes a brown-noser, Ashley.
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Janell Wheeler -- "What About Love" by Heart

Janell gives a breathy, out of tune, karaoke style performance. Also she's wearing a purple toga with skin-tight pleather pants, which are actually saggy on her wisp-thin frame. Sexy! What's remarkable with Janell is that they keep playing her audition video where she has a loud, powerful, soulful voice. But every week her voice sounds thinner and more fragile. As Janell warbles out her finishing notes, I'm reminded by the most entertaining part of Idol... Under-talented singers singing bad songs badly. Pure comedy.

GRADE: FAIL -- After watching the video of Janell sucking at every single level of competition I'm beginning to wonder if her audition goodness was a fluke.

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Lilly Scott -- "Fixing a Hole" as sung by The Beatles, during the sitar and shroom years.

I'm not sure what kind of look she's going for with her crystal meth- creature of the night make-up and gray hair, but I'm enjoying it. She's got quirk for miles. Her performance is saucy and strange, and not bad. I mean, it's far from good, or even memorable, but it doesn't take much tonight to stand out. She's not particularly great but her shambling undead fashion style will keep her around for a while. Kara gives the sage advice, muttering something about "One of the best things you can do is hang out on a street corner for money." Then she suggests that Simon was trying to molest her. Take a drink.

GRADE: C -- I'm interested to see what Lilly does moving forward. That's a compliment, I think.
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Katelyn Epperly -- "My Darling" as sung by a third rate Beatles Cover Band.

Katelyn sings the song professionally if not exceptionally. She's got a decent voice but there wasn't much spark here. Maybe she'll get better next week. Kara raves: "You know your voice very well..." But not well enough to make me care. For more unintentional comedy, Kara botches a joke where Seacrest asks what Katelyn was thinking and Kara suggests "bitch." Which could be interpreted to mean that Katelyn is a bitch, or that Katelyn thinks Kara is a bitch. Either way Kara is a bitch, but her bad joke skills and anti-humor are pretty funny.

GRADE: C
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Haeley Vaughn -- "I Want to Hold Your Hand" as sung by the same third rate Beatles Cover Band, but this time drunk and high.

Haely sings a strange, deconstructed version of "I Want To Hold Your Hand" which is odd, unsettling and renders the melody unrecognizable. To top it off she screeches out several unholy high notes and generally kills this once great song dead. Haeley soldiers through, smiling the entire song. She's likable but this performance was misguided. Seacrest thankfully reminds Haeley to give a shout out to "Go Pooter." Sweet.

GRADE: FAIL -- But in a good, VFTW-worthy way. We love you Haeley and we will vote many times for you.
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Lacey Brown -- "Landslide" as sung by Fleetwood Mac... allegedly.

When your butcher the lyrics with the NAME OF THE SONG, you know you're reaching a super-high level of sucking on Idol. I clearly heard "The lansile brought me down." Lacey alternates singing random notes very high, then very low for no reason. She sings a flaccid, slurred version of the song like Paula on a three-day Painkiller bender. Simon calls it "Depressing. After 15 seconds I was working out how much longer we have to listen to it for." I'd say that could be said of most of the girls' performances tonight but I thought this song was entertainingly bad. Then to kill any VFTW goodwill, Lacey apologizes to Simon for disagreeing with him. Honey, the dude just shat on your performance. Grow a pair. It's okay to try and stay on the show longer by suggesting that you're not a horrible suck machine. You'd be lying, but I wouldn't blame you for saying it.

GRADE: FAIL -- Not much more to say. I hope this pink-haired crazy pixie sticks around for a little while.

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Michelle Delamore -- "Fallin' " by Alicia Keys.

Michelle tells us she's a "corporate singer" and has taught children's choir. The only nice thing I can say is that she's aping Alicia Keys and not the usual AI suspects, Mariah/Whitney/Celine. She does a bad lounge singer performance of the song, making some pained squeals in the middle and hitting some bum notes throughout the song. I zone out and notice that Michelle is almost unhealthily skinny. I wonder what she'll weigh if she actually wins and goes on the Idol Winner Forced Diet. Scary.

GRADE: D
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Didi Benami -- "The Way I Am" by someone named Ingrid Michaelson. I'm not hip to these new-fangled pop stars. Luckily I don't need to be for Idol when Bette Midler counts as contemporary and Neil Diamond is a hip, up-and-coming young buck.

Oh, right, back to the singing. Didi is apparently a clone of Brooke White, as all she's known for is being blonde, perky and crying at the drop of another weak Kara bon mot, or as she calls them, a Bone Me. I've never heard this song before, but Didi's version is nearly tuneless. It's strange and unpleasant. Kara suggests that Didi should be rewarded for changing up the song. So I guess she made changes, but they were bad changes. Randy the nincompoop blurts out "There was no outward oomph. Know what I'm saying?" No, Randy. But then I never know what you're blathering on about. Whatever they're paying Randy it's too much.

GRADE: C- -- I gave Didi bonus points for her demented smile as Seacrest read off her phone numbers.
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Siobhan Magnus -- "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaac

We're reminded that Siobhan is an apprentice glass-blower from Cape Cod. Now that is an amusing back-story. Siobhan continues to tickle my fancy as she wonders what Simon meant when he called her a "dark horse" and she makes her patented furious faces while singing that makes her look like she's in pain. Boo to the director who had Siobhan in wide shot for most of those faces however. Damn you, ruining all my fun. Anyhow, Siobhan's histrionic performance matched the song as she goes far over the top. She has a powerful voice, probably from all that glass blowing. That is not easy to do, kids. It takes lung power.

GRADE: B -- Strong voice, matched with a recognizable song. I don't personally care if the song is recognizable, but it should help to keep her around. I think Siobhan's more than a dark horse as she's been pretty heavily pimped so far.

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Crystal Bowersox -- "Hand in my Pocket" by Alannis

I'm almost saddened to see that our dread-locked, Bob Dylan-esque guitar-with-harmonica and headpiece proto-hippie chick got her teeth whitened. She's still got her fangs, but I can't help thinking that "The Man" got into Crystal's head and forced her to sell out. Actually she's pretty up front about selling out, admitting in her bio video that she needs to make some cash for her young sun, and almost suggests that she's slumming to even appear on Idol. I love contestants who don't take Idol seriously. It warms the cockles of my soul. Crystal gives a competent but not extraordinary rendition of the song. All the judges gush how they love her. Simon makes the mistake of suggesting that Bowersoxer's performance was "unoriginal." "They don't allow originals on the show, though." Nice job sticking it to the man, Bowersox. More outbursts like that and you'll threaten to become our VFTW Champion. You're too good for us right now though.

GRADE: A -- It was a little weird hearing the guitar-n-harmonica combo on Idol, but I enjoyed her performance. Kara botches her gushing praise when she says, "You're going to be here next year..." I'm guessing she'll be mopping floors.
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Katie "Alzheimers Grandma" Stevens -- "Feeling Good" in the song stylings of Michael Buble. Ugh.

Actually Katie's version of the song is not as over-the-top cheesy as Buble's but it's still over-the-top, histrionic and somewhat presumptuous as well. Katie's not bad, she hits her notes and gives an adequate Idol performance. I just wish she chose a younger song to sing. The song is a world-weary reflection on the meaning of happiness. Katie's version is chirpy, but the song's melodrama is what drove her to it.

GRADE: B -- She did what she had to do, and rises to the head of the bunch utilizing the Pimp Slot to perfection.
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Tomorrow the boys sing. And the girls were supposed to be the GOOD ONES. This should be one for the VFTW record books. Right now you may be questioning my rather high B for Katie, but I appreciate when Idols play the game of winning Idol. They choose dramatic, famous songs and sing them well. They may be not my personal style, but I can appreciate the effort.

Class dismissed until tomorrow.

--Chan

Top 24 Girls Recap - "If It Was a Mess, It Was a Hot Mess"
Posted by thefunnystone on February 23rd, 2010 at 11:18 PM

Ryan Seacrest starts off the show by saying that this year’s group is incredible. Fast forward 2 hours and I can tell you that Ryan Seacrest is a damn dirty liar. I think the judges literally insulted every contestant somehow and told them they weren’t good enough. All 12. So remind me again how awesome this group is. It’s so much less fun to vote for the worst when everyone sucks so bad, but darling Haeley Vaughn really shined tonight. In time, she can only get better… for VFTW. So on to the recap where I embarrass Idol by pointing out what a shitty job they do of casting talent.
Paige Miles went from wiping the snot off of kids’ noses to living her dream. If her dream is murdering “Alright Now,” I agree. She is living it. Paige tries too hard to change up the song, so she’s adding runs and odd notes where they don’t belong. It’s a terrible way to start the show, but the judges seem to be in la la land. Simon says that Paige has the best voice out of all of the girls this year, so clearly this is the year of VFTW. The judges didn’t like Paige’s song selection though. Paige mentions that she’s excited to get out of her outfit because it’s sown on and she’s had to pee for 5 hours. I do find it funny that Paige announces that she has to piss like a racehorse, so kudos to her.
Speaking of racehorses, we’re off to the races with Ashley Rodriguez. Can you say horse face? Ashley was upset when Simon Cowell made fun of Jordin Sparks’ song “Battlefield”, so she decided to sing it in Hollywood. That’s a smart move. Ashley came out of the gate fast when Simon said she had “it” during the audition. She decides to show she’s not a one-trick pony by performing “Happy” by the winner of the Kentucky Derby, Leona Lewis. Ashley is too close to the mic and breathing heavily, so she’s got some hurdles ahead of her. Is she keeping her eye on the prize, or is she falling behind the pack with a song choice like this? The song isn’t in her range whatsoever and her whinnies are terrible. Ashley has gone from being the odds-on favorite to an also-ran very quickly. Ellen wants Ashley to take a risk. Simon calls the performance “clumsy” and says that Ashley might be in trouble after that. Will voters be forced to hitch their wagon to another horse, or will Ashley trot her way back into the winner’s circle?
Janell Wheeler makes it 3 for 3 in the bad performance department when she performs “What About Love.” Her voice sounds very tired and she can barely hit a note without cracking. Is she sick or does she always just sound this hoarse? She reminds me of Ashley Rodriguez for some reason… She’s just not hitting any of the notes. But she looks very attractive if that’s any consolation. Simon says that Janell gave 100% effort and probably delivered 65%. Kara says that the song was way too big for Janell and that she lost everything distinct about her voice. To me, what’s distinct about her voice is that it sucks. Then again, with the group of females singing tonight, that’s not distinct at all.
Lilly Scott was living out of her car and playing on the street. She never thought she’d try out for Idol. This means she got desperate. I guess it was either prostitution or Idol… though at least with prostitution you don’t have that dirty, scuzzy feeling afterwards. Lilly sings “Fixing a Hole”, and compared to the 3 train wrecks before her, Lilly sounds like a virtuoso. Really though, she’s just kind of mediocre over all. She has a nice tone to her voice. Ellen says that Lilly has a distinct, unique voice. Randy says she sounds like Lilly Allen and Adele. So which one is it? Is she unique or does she sound like those 2 women? Simon doesn’t feel much star power from Lilly. Kara says the best thing Lilly can do is stand on the street and busk for money. Yes, even though it’s Kara, she said “busk.” Lilly seems to have a fun personality when she insults Ryan’s height, but we didn’t see much tonight. Maybe next week.
Katelyn Epperly rocks the trashy outfit (literally, it looks like she’s wearing a garbage bag) and whore lipstick while singing “Oh Darling.” It’s a shame too, because she sounds pretty good but looks a mess. She has a rasp to her voice that’s pleasant, but she overdoes it on some of the notes to the point where it seems very forced. Simon says that even though she screamed part of the song, he likes her. Kara says the whore makeover isn’t working, because she stole Kara’s shtick. Ellen says that Katelyn pushed herself too hard and that she doesn’t need to do that.
VFTW pick Haeley Vaughn performs 6th. She got her nose pierced when she made it to Hollywood because it showed what she’d accomplished to this point (which is singing karaoke songs for a group of talentless judges). Haeley’s version of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” might as well be renamed “I Wanna Be The VFTW Pick.” She’s singing terribly by shrieking out most of the notes. When she hits high notes, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. She also has this awesome lisp that really comes out when she sings, so that’s yet another reason for me to love her. This is the one performance so far that literally made me laugh out loud, so I knew I had something special here. Though I think Haeley can still ramp it up a bit and play more to the VFTW crowd next week. Kara says that Haeley’s technical ability needs work because she didn’t hit all the notes. Randy loves Haeley’s unpredictability- one week she’s bad, the next she’s horrible. He says that her high notes make sounds that are not quite as pleasing as they could be. Simon then goes for the jugular by saying that her performance was verging on terrible. He says she looks like a wind-up doll that never stops smiling and calls the whole thing a “complete and utter mess.” Ellen adds that, “if it was a mess, it was a hot mess.” I’m with you, Ellen. Hot mess it is. Either way, Haeley has my support.
Lacey Brown didn’t make it last year when Megan Joy got her spot. I can completely see why this happened, as Lacey sings like Megan Joy if Megan was kicked in the throat a few times. She’s terrible. Singing a song like “Landslide” at such a slow tempo makes her off-key notes sound even worse. Randy says that Lacey was terrible and pitchy, Simon calls it depressing. Ellen says that Lacey is better than that. Well, I doubt Lacey will get a chance to prove herself again. Then again, these women are all so bad, any one could go home and we might get another boring performance out of Lacey. If only she’d camped it up, VFTW totally could’ve voted for her. But since she went the boring route, we’ll have to take the votes to our favorite crappy cowgirl.
Michelle Delamor seems like total fodder to me, so I was prepared to tune out her performance. Her loud family woke me up though, so I figured I’d listen and see what happens. Unfortunately, Michelle picks “Fallin” by Alicia Keys, not realizing this song should’ve been banned from Idol permanently since it’s been so fucking overdone at auditions. Michelle has a good voice, but she’s not really doing much with the song. Again, compared to some of the others, Michelle does seem amazing. That’s so sad. Ellen says that Michelle made a hard song seem easy. Simon says that there wasn’t one moment in the performance that made him say wow. Randy and Kara want her to try something different. At this point, I bet Idol wants a completely different group of girls. This group almost completely lacks charisma and entertainment value. Do they all give good head or something?
Didi Benami has decided that America doesn’t want to see her cry anymore. Actually, that’s what I wanted. I wanted a full on Didi breakdown where she screams at the voices in her head. Instead, I get a tepid performance of “The Way I Am.” She does sound decent, but it’s a bit affected. Her orgasm/angry faces are funny to watch at least. The last note doesn’t end well. Simon says that too many people are trying to sound like Adele or Duffy, and if he closes his eyes, he would confuse 3-4 of the singers tonight. Dude, you apparently picked them. It’s not as if they changed their voices overnight. This is your own fault. Simon went on to say that the song was indulgent and dreary and that Didi lacks a spark because no one will remember her. Randy agrees that Didi lacks star power. Since Didi is the most polished of the group, things aren’t looking good for that relevant, female winner the show wants. Out of the 8 female humans and 1 female horse that sang so far, none would make viable recording artists or triple crown winners. But that shouldn’t shock anyone who has seen the show before.
Siobhan Magnus was rumored to be singing “It’s Raining Men” tonight. She also previously dressed in ridiculous clothing and a weird jean-jacket-over-dress outfit that made me laugh out loud. Instead of living up to the hype, tonight she dresses in all black and does a subdued version of “Wicked Game.” Don’t get me wrong, she sounds good. I just had high VFTW hopes for her and she’s dashed them. Kara says Siobhan can be nasally but she likes that she’s in the moment when she sings. Ellen loved the performance, but Randy and Simon think it’s not as good as her Hollywood performances. Siobhan tries to defend her song choice and ends up rambling in a slow monotone. This girl has absolutely no inflection to her voice when she speaks. So strange. Even Simon seems weirded out after Siobhan explains her song choice. I wish she’d really let her freak flag fly though. Ah well. At least she had a funny moment when Simon called her a “dark horse” and she asked what it meant.
Crystal Bowersox has never seen the show before and didn’t think this was for her. She changed her mind because she wants a bigger paycheck for her son. Unlike Lilly, prostitution was never an option for Crystal because the whole dirty, unwashed hippy thing doesn’t attract many clients. She sings “One Hand In My Packet” and we get plenty of close-ups on her bad teeth that seem to have been whitened a little. She’s a good singer, but the whole busker harmonica thing didn’t guarantee Taylor Hicks a career, so it’s probably not gonna work on the Idol stage for Crystal either. Ellen calls Crystal “fresh” (I guess rather than “expired”), but Simon says that there are thousands of people doing this same thing outside of a subway station at the moment. He criticizes Crystal for doing a “sound alike” performance and tells her, “You’ve gotta do something that’s you.” Crystal shoots back, “They don’t allow originals on the show though.” See, I knew I liked Crystal. She is already annoyed that the show is throwing everyone under the bus and she won’t stand for it. That puts her in contention as a future VFTW pick for speaking her mind. Unfortunately, she tries to mask that she’s upset by agreeing with Simon to sing David Bowie or something. But as she fake smiles, you can tell she’s regretting her choice to appear on the show, especially when Kara calls her “just a coffeehouse performer.”. So if she can really throw caution to the wind and abandon all effort, I’m all about voting for her later on. You can do it, Crystal. VFTW will be waiting.
Lastly, Katie Stevens performs “Feeling Good by Michael Buble.” Seriously? She thinks Michael Buble wrote the song? I can tell I’m not going to like this girl. Her performance is trying way too hard and it’s completely over the top. Then again, it’s sadly still better than half of the performances tonight. Ellen says that the performance was too serious and conservative for a 17 year old. Simon says the performance became annoying and pageanty. Kara says that Katie’s pitch was all over the place and that she’ll be embarrassed to listen back to the show. Randy of course has to bring up his favorite OMG17 year old Jordin Sparks. This means he’ll be reminding me every week that Katie is 17 until she goes home. So please send her home soon. I don’t know how many weeks I can stand of, “Well, dawg, being that you’re 17…”
Tomorrow the guys sing. Can they be as terrible as this crowd? And if they are, will the show just cancel itself to save the embarrassment? This is the weakest top 24 girls round ever. And after cutting Angela Martin, Shelby Dressel, and Jessica Furney by saying that this such a strong group of singers, the show’s gotta be feeling mighty stupid. It’s too late now. This is going to be the season of VFTW. We’re going to rule this show with an iron fist. And hopefully Haeley makes us proud for weeks to come!

Colton wrote:

Paige - Seriously?! This is one of the Top 12 girls?! We must be hearing different people..And then they PRAISED HER?! WTF?!
Ashley - I didn't know Kim Kardashian could sing?! I liked her. She's definitely in my top 6 girls.
Janell - OMGA! AH-MAZING! I LOVE.THIS.GIRL!!!
Lilly - Well that was hellacious...
Katelyn - She is precious, and she surprised me! I liked her, but now I like her more. (I just wish she'd change her hair!)
Haeley - I hope you plan on replacing the window you broke...That was fucking horrible!
Lacey - She is strangely pretty to me, and her voice has potential. I just didn't like something about it. It's like there were parts I liked, parts I didn't..
Michelle - I wasn't sure about her doing Alicia Keys, but she actually really impressed me!
DiDi - IIIIIIIII LOVEEEEEE THE WAYYAYYY YOUUUUOOOO SINGGGG! <33333 This was better than the original.
Siobhan - That was so boring...I almost took a power nap then I realized I'd probably have a nightmare about her picking out my outfit for tomorrow..
Crystal - Must she blow that thing? Lose the dreads, fix your teeth, then we'll talk..
Katie - I really liked her. I thought she was good!!

Predictions:
Paige & Lacey are done.

I thought the same thing about DiDi and was surprised when they pretty much shot her down...go figure.
Crystal I thought was the only one who stood out and I also liked Katelynn but unfortunately, ugh, I agree with kara and thought she looked like a trashy hooker...lol.
UM Haeley Vaughn?? Seriously??? I NEVER thought she should have made the top 24 and could not understand why the judges pushed her through. Are they going deaf?? I mean they almost wet themselves after Lilly Scott sang and I thought the whole performance was a freaking trainwreck. Seriously Lilly, lets comb that hair and maybe, just maybe rethink that dishwater hair color or yours. I mean this is AI afterall.
When all is said and done, if Simon seriously thinks that this is the "womens year", he is sadly mistaken. The worst guy in the top 12 is better than the best girl. Face it judges, you fucked up big time with this lot. I was bored to tears and there were only a few girls who I actually watched their entire performance.
Ellens catch phrase "You were great" lol
I like her but she is going to have to mix it up a bit.
Looking forward to the men performing tonight, they simply CANNOT do any worse than the women.
Someone better hold back Kara tonight when Casey sings...can she be anymore obvious? Did you see when they pushed him through to the top 24 and she hugged him and lifted her leg? I noticed it right away and absolutely lost it when Randy called her out on it and then got up and reinacted the leg lift...lol. One of his funniest moments. She is/was and always will be the biggest mistake Idol has EVER made. Is it wrong that everytime I see her face on the screen or everytime she speaks I want to gut myself?

^ No, I want to gut HER!

I don't mind Kara.

I love Ellen's humor but as far as a judge for AI ....not so much. I just found her input completely irrelevant. Kara and Randy at least can give some input into pitches, runs, registers, keys, notes blah blah blah... And Ellen can't be telling them they're great every week and that she liked that song. I mean SO WHAT, WHO CARES! I found myself fast forwarding through more than I actually listened to when the girls sang, but I did listen to the judges remarks and found myself cringing for Ellen... I mean c'mon rinse, wash, repeat. It got old real quick and quite noticeable. Perhaps she should work on clever snappy comments she could pick from.

Now on to the girls...

I'm not impressed and I don't forsee any breakout stars with this seaons girls.

I think Simon got it wrong and I see it being another guy winning this season... perhaps Casey James, Toddrick Hall or maybe Andrew Garcia. But it's still too early to tell if they even make the TOP 12... I do think those 3 guys will ... but anyway back to the girls.

Ummm... I hate their clothing... they need a makeover badly. A lot of jacked up teeth, reminds me of Elliot Yamin's jacked up grill.

As far as the singing goes... no one really stood out for me to care to comment on.

I could care less who goes home at this point.

Colton wrote:

^ No, I want to gut HER!

Please let Colton follow through on this...

Final 24 Boys: I Don't Know Who Was Happier For That To End, You Or Me

From the very beginning of this show, when the TV feed went out three times and the first ten minutes of show were broadcast in the wrong aspect ratio, I knew this wouldn't be just a typical Top 24 bad episode, but a MONUMENTALLY BAD episode. I mean, it was so bad that it was wearying by the end. I love bad singing as much as the next Idol-lovin' freak, but this show was a bully level BAD, where it shoved me down on the ground and farted HOT WIND OF TERRIBLE on my head.
Kara's Mad Max chain shoulder-pads are a fashion crime, but Tyler Grady's fooffy purple shurt and neckerchief actually wrecked my TV.
Idol ominously pronounces "If you lost it tonight or you forget the words, your career is over." How about if your horrible ass-wipe TV director can't go 10 minutes without losing TV signal or audio then your stupid show is over?
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How bad was this episode? Well, I can candidly state that everybody earned a Big, Fat FAIL. From the rinky-dink production, to the horrible judging, to the awful singing, nobody got out unscathed. But since we work under the assumption that the judge's FAIL every weak, I'll just grade the so-called "singers" tonight. And by grading, I mean, I will explain why they get a FAIL.
Toddrick Hall -- "Since You Been Gone" as sung by a drunk and mysteriously drained of talent Kelly Clarkson.
I can only imagine that this version was a loud F.U. to Idol producers as there's no other way to explain this total devolution and pillaging of this harmless ditty of teen girl angst. I mean, Toddrick slaps the booty and has mad monkey sex with this song. It was nasty and Toddrick makes up his own notes to sing as he abandons all musicianship and attempts at tuneful singing. Also, Toddrick has a neck hitch which he uses to punctuate every growled line of the song.
GRADE: FAIL due to egregious crimes against music.
NOTE: Randy abandons his last grasp on sanity as he joins the Abyss of Stupidity forever. He has the nerve to say "You don't have to go completely over the top and obliterate the whole song to show who you are." Or something like that. This is so absolutely ridiculous because he spent the entire night criticizing the girls for doing the exact OPPOSITE, "You have to change the song and make it your own." So Randy the pinhead contradicts the advice he gave the night before. Kara begins: "Randy, I agree with you." Of course you do. "You're such a strong singer, so you don't have to change the arrangement that much." What are these imbeciles smoking? Extra special Paula dust?
Simon gets the line of the night with: "It was verging on stupid, what you did." Toddrick sucks up to the judges and apologizesfor changing the holy Idol writ of Kelly Clarkson.
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Aaron "Pooka Shell" Kelly -- "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts.
Aaron showcases his tuneless warbling and I smell a VFTW victory every time this kid takes the stage. His "singing" is timid, weak and miserable. The fact that Aaron chose to sing this ode to processed cheese bodes well for his Singing at Disneyworld career.
GRADE: FAIL due to a Puberty-Encroaching falsetto and amibitions of mediocrity.
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Jermaine Sellers -- "Get Here" By Alita Adams.
Jermaine is a church-singer with a neck tattoo. The producers lower expectations for Jermaine's Idol success by replaying the time he bitched out the back-up band for screwing up his song in Hollywood week.
There is serious competition for our VFTW nomination tonight. Jermaine is a one-man Musical Torture machine, hitting all of the VFTW high points. Out of tune for 90% of the song, screeching falsetto, pointless off-key runs and horrific faces on an over-played slug of a song. Jermaine is a special kind of horrible.
Then to keep circling the drain when Ryan offers a chance for him to reconcile with the offended band leader Jermaine's response is "Michael who?" Just awesome.
GRADE: FAIL for his flawless VFTW performance.
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Tim Urban -- "Apologize" by One Republic.
I have to respectfully disagree with my colleague Funnystone regarding our choice for Worst. Sure, Tim shows signs of the timid Idol teenage singer elevated to the main stage for unexplained reasons. And he's got a scared grin plastered on his face, and he emits strange half-hearted falsetto notes as he squints his way through the song, but I just don't think he reaches the VFTW heights of Jermaine's over-the-top and back again performance.
GRADE: FAIL due to lack of any discernible musical talent.
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Joe Munoz -- "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz.
Joe is such an afterthought to Idol that they're teasing Kasey James' upcoming performance an hour away... During Joe's introduction. It's like the producers are saying, "Yeah, yeah get on with the singing, kid, even though we've got you penciled in for a week three booting."
Joe distracts me by looking like Sylar from "Heroes" but wearing a silvery man-scarf. He stumbles through a rushed, out of tune performance. Joe is not so much singing as spitting words out as fast as he can. This is a glorious Bad Singing Exhibition tonight.
GRADE: FAIL for lack of stage presence and general tunelessness.
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Tyler Grady -- "American Woman" as sung by a karaoke Lenny Kravitz imposter.
Tyler is a gigantic cornball. He doesn't sing, but instead screams the song in an approximation of someone "doing rock music" while doing stereotypical rock star poses. He has a thin voice and he's out of tune when he does make an attempt to "sing."
GRADE: FAIL for embarrassing levels of corniness.
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Lee Dewyze - "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol
This is a delicate, heartfelt song. So why does Lee do horrible things with his voice, like a constipated David Cook gargling sand? Lee's mumble-sings the song in an attempt to keep his "rocker" street cred. He pinches off the ends of lines and he's tuneless and flat. He hits maybe two or three notes on key in the entire song. He puts "rock" into this wussy song, but not enough to actually rock.
Simon inexplicably loves Lee, and fawns over him, "You've got an authentically good voice." Really? What the hell was he listening to while Lee was butchering Snow Patrol, a harmless lamb of a band who never did anybody any harm?
GRADE: FAIL for gratuitous Daughtry Impersonation.
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John Park - "God Bless the Child" as sung by everyone under the sun.
One of his proudest moments is when Shania Twain made a clumsy pass at him. That will probably be his only legacy on Idol as this was an embarrasing performance. I had hopes for John as he has a good voice, but this song was a big gob of gooey cheese. It was as if John's personal karaoke machine was set on Maximum Velveeta. Why on earth did he pick this song? It's a really, really old jazz standard, where all the good singing involved is subtle shadings and emotion. Something that John cluelessly missed, and the tone-deaf judges would NEVER pick up on, even if he sang it well, which he absolutely did not.
GRADE: FAIL for excessive cheesiness.
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Muscles Mike -- "This Love" by Maroon Five.
Muscles Mike does a cheerful but mumbly lounge singer version of the song. Mike ignores the fact that he sucks and plows through the cheesy song. I vaguely remember him singing the same line twice in a row because he forgot the lyrics. But really who can tell with his lack of enunciation?
GRADE: Actually I'd give Mike about a C as it was the only performance tonight that didn't make me want to gouge my tympanic membranes with an ice pick.
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Alex Lambert -- "Wonderful World" by James Morrison.
Ellen gets her only funny line in about Alex: "You're just holding onto the mullet and not letting it go." I love Alex because he's living, breathing proof that this auditioning process, of listening to 70,000 people is a total waste of time. Any schmo can be dragged in off the street and put on TV. His entertainer experience so far is "Singing at coffee shops about two or three times in front of 20 people." At least he's not a ringer. I feel sorry for the poor guy. I mean, it was hilarious, and he made a super-strong pitch for being our Worst. But it's not fair to the guy.
He's got a raspy voice, but not in a good way. More like in a painful non-singer trying to sing way. Instead of Rod Stewart, he sounded like "Al The Plumber" on Karaoke Nite at the Crab Shack. Alex has zero stage presence, he just stands still and shouts the entire song in his sand-paper rasp.
Simon tees off on the hapless Alex with: "I don't know who was happier for that to end, you or me. That was the most uncomfortable performance of the night." Funny, but cruel. I actually loved his performance for my own cruel reasons which I just described. It was so fascinatingly bad I watched it a second time.
GRADE: FAIL for giving the epitome of a pedestrian performance.
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Casey "Ear Candy" James -- "Heaven" by Bryan Adams.
Casey is a self-proclaimed "some dude." I don't see why the girls swoon over him, but I don't begrudge haus-fraus their misguided erotic fantasy icons.
This show tonight was so goddamned terrible that some jackass singing Bryan Adams is easily the best performance of the night. Casey was mostly in-key, and if you ignore the incessant goat vibrato (and how could you really, it just comes spilling out of him) it wasn't a half bad number. Oh and you have to ignore the fact that it's Bryan freaking Adams, a Demon-Spawn Hell-Beast of Unholy Suck.
GRADE: Probably about a C+, if I'm going on a lenient curve. Ah screw it, FAIL for selling your soul to the Antichrist of Good Music, Bryan Adams.
The Idol producers continue the lame joke that Kara is horned-out by Casey. I mean, Kara really is dripping with desperate pre-menopausal woman juices, but it wasn't that long ago when Paula Abdul was schtupping contestants, so the producers should probably lay off this crap. Oh, and Kara tells Casey: "Forget the eye candy, you're ear candy." And now I'm going to be sick. This was more shameless hackery by the Antichrist of comedy, Kara DioGuardi.
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Andrew Garcia -- "Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fallout Boy
Good lord, Andrew Garcia still hasn't gone? I thought this show was over. Enough. I give up. Idol wins. This show has beaten me into submission with it's horrible-ness tonight.
Andrew's Bio video reminds us that he's a weeping puss, that his wife has a weird toucan looking hairstyle and that although theoretically the most talented boy singer on the show he's still far from good. He sings a muzack version of an already dire song. He does his "downloaded a wacky version from youtube" trick that he learned from David Cook but his insular performance and zero stage presence left a final stink bomb on this horrible episode of Idol.
GRADE: FAIL for coasting on his one feeble success, a re-mixed Paula Abdul song.
Come on, Idol, is this the savior of pop music? Please.
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So the show comes to a gloriously horrible end. The recap montage of tonight's performances features ZERO correctly sung notes. I'm not kidding when I say the entire montage is out of tune. Go watch it for yourself if you don't believe me.
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So, if you were unlucky enough to sit through tonight's abomination of a show, congratulations, you have survived THE WORST EPISODE IN IDOL HISTORY. And if you were one of the lucky few who missed it, you have missed POSSIBLY THE WORST TWO HOURS OF "ENTERTAINMENT" IN TELEVISION HISTORY.
I can't say this show has jumped the shark so much as it attempted to jump it, but tripped approaching the ramp to the shark tank, impaled itself on the bicycle seat and bled out whimpering feebly by the side of the road.
Tomorrow we find out which lucky contestants get to end their shame the soonest.
--Chan

Top 24 Guys Recap - "Ooh, I Wish It Was Riper Cause I'd Like to Eat That Banana Right Now"

I know what Idol is doing. They’re trying to throw off VFTW by making all 24 contestants so bad that we can’t pick just one. Sneaky, sneaky strategy Idol. Unfortunately, the only people that will benefit are Worsters. I mean how many different ways can the judges say, “That was a terrible performance but I like you” before people start tuning out? VFTW is going to rule this season. I hereby dub this “The Year of Vote for the Worst.” If our picks stay or go, we’ve already won, because the winner of this season will be the worst yet.
Tonight, Jermaine Sellers and Tim Urban were in a VFTW deadlock and Tim came out slightly ahead by .0001%. Though all of the others weren’t far behind. How bad did tonight suck? Randy said the girls blew it out the box last night (take out the “out the box” part and he’s right) and he wants the guys to be as good. Well, they were just like the girls. Yeah. I know. Might as well cancel the show. Simon says if you forget the words tonight, your career is over. Actually, it might help their career to intentionally be voted off. It can’t help to be remembered as one of the contestants on the worst season of Idol ever. Will they start intentionally tanking to save themselves the embarrassment? Even better news for VFTW!

Todrick Hall starts things off with his complete reworking of “Since U Been Gone.” He has completely changed the song’s melody and backing music so it’s unrecognizable. It’s really bad and full of Todrick’s trademark melisma. If this is how tonight is going to be, I’m totally excited! Randy chastises Todrick for making the song unrecognizable, when only yesterday he was chastising the girls for not changing up the songs. These contestants can’t win. Bwahaha. Simon calls Todrick’s decision “verging on stupid” and asks where Todrick heard that version of the song. Todrick says, “In my head.” Hopefully, Todrick sticks around long enough to let me hear what else is in his head, because it’s filled with lots of VFTW goodness and very little brain power. Pay back those kids, Todrick.

Aaron Kelly chooses Chris Sligh’s song “Here Comes Goodbye.” It’s terribly off key and Aaron is visibly shaking and nervous. The last note is especially painful. Simon somehow likes the performance but says that Aaron looks embarrassed to be here. I’d be embarrassed to be with the other 23 as well. It’s like a circus freak show and everyone is taking turns in the center ring to have peanuts thrown at them. Randy says there were a couple of pitchy moments, but he’s a fan. A couple? Looks like the producers actually want Aaron in the top 12, so he’ll probably start to be insulted around then.

Jermaine Sellers won’t throw anyone else under the bus after his Hollywood fiasco, but he doesn’t have to. His performance of “Get Here” is like throwing himself under the bus and letting it back up over him at least 10 times for good measure. He makes up notes that are not even close to what’s correct and screeches out high notes that come out hysterically. The faces he makes are only rivaled in humor by the completely new melody the song received. Jermaine is VFTW gold. Ellen thinks Jermaine was pushing too much and trying too hard. Simon says that Jermaine was screaming and that someone in their 50’s would request that song at a cocktail bar. I’d request it, mostly because it was hilarious. Jermaine really has a great personality, because he can make fun of himself too. He says that next week he’ll do the Stanky Legg to young it up a bit. He makes fun of himself for throwing the band under the bus. When Ryan asks if Jermaine apologized to Michael (Orland, one of the musicians in the band), Jermaine shouts out, “Who’s Michael?” with a look of confusion on his face, as if Ryan wants Jermaine to apologize to Michael Jackson. Jermaine thinks, “He’s dead, fool.” Either way, I love love love Jermaine. Hopefully he sticks around. And if Tim goes, he’s the obvious next VFTW pick.

Tim Urban wasn’t supposed to be in the top 24, but was added at the last minute when Chris Golightly was disqualified. Funny how that happens. Now Tim is the VFTW pick. Tim’s version of “Apologize” has the absolute worst falsetto tonight. Tim can’t hit the notes, so he does them in this soft whisper that sounds ridiculous. It’s bad karaoke to the extreme and I can’t stop laughing at it. Simon says that the judges made the right choice by getting rid of Tim before the top 24. He says Tim will only advance because people feel sorry for him. Ellen says that because he couldn’t hit the high notes, it didn’t sound good. Tim insists he’s better when he’s in his element, but after that performance, I doubt it. And since he wasn’t supposed to be in the top 24 in the first place, I can rest assured that the producers do not want Tim in the top 12. So we’ve gotta get Tim into the top 12. The fact that he’s completely unwanted, especially by Simon, makes him the best VFTW pick.

Joe “Fodder” Munoz wants to relax and be in the moment. I’d relax but I’m to busy staring at Joe’s caterpillar eyebrows. His performance of “You and I Both” is decent I guess, but very boring. He’s bringing nothing to the table at all. Ellen liked Joe’s stage presence. Ellen also likes to watch paint dry and water boil. Kara says that this was the best vocal of the night. Then again, a cat in heat would have the best vocal of the night. Simon says that the performance will be forgotten in 10 seconds. He’s right. I had to look at my notes to see what Joe sang. He may be around for another week maximum, because boring is worse than bad to Idol voters.

Tyler Grady says that when he makes a connection with Kara, he’s doing his job. No, that’s just what Kara tells you so that her withering vagina gets a mercy fuck. His version of “American Woman” is pretty bad. His voice cracks a lot and the big notes are all over the place. Yet still, it’s by far not the worst of the night. Simon says that people will remember that performance for the wrong reasons and that Tyler is like “someone who’s gone to pretend to be a rockstar school.” Ouch. Kara says Tyler seems like a kid with Jim Morrison posters all over his walls and isn’t relevant to music today. Ryan asks Tyler which way he’s going to go if he makes it this week and Tyler says, “I guess I’ll go to the mall.” There’s a little sense of humor in there, but Tyler isn’t nearly bad enough for VFTW. Yet. It probably won’t be much longer though.

Lee DeWyze sings a version of “Chasing Cars” by taking a page from the Todrick Hall and Jermaine Sellers playbook- completely change the melody so the song is unrecognizable. He then screams the chorus and isn’t even remotely on key. Randy didn’t like the song choice because he thinks Lee should be singing hard rock songs like Kings of Leon. Yes, he called Kings of Leon hard rock. Randy also wants Lee to sing hardcore songs like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Idiot. Simon disagrees with the insults from the other 3 and says he liked the performance. He would like to see Lee pull a David Cook, meaning steal a new arrangement of a song from someone and pretend you did it.

John Park was happy when Shania Twain hit on him. His video package is very funny, but his personality goes right out the window while singing “God Bless the Child.” On first listen, I thought it was decent. But I wasn’t paying attention. This was horrible. It was like a bad lounge act. Way to keep up the tradition of Asian male singers on Idol sucking, John. I mean what the hell? Does Idol just like to embarrass Asians? They can’t find one Asian guy who can sing? Ever? Simon says, “You have got to have an incredible voice to take on that song and you haven’t.” The audience thinks he says “have it” and they all start clapping wildly. Simon reiterates “haven’t” and they all feel embarrassed. Apparently the audience liked John. They also like talented, natural singers with raw ability like T-Pain and Kesha. Kids today. Kara can’t figure out what lane in the music industry John fits into. All this means is she doesn’t want to sleep with him. To her, if a guy can’t fit into her “lane”, she’s not interested. Kara seems to be making racist assumption about John’s penis size. John’s personality doesn’t come across at all in his performance and he doesn’t talk back. Such a shame, because I wanted to like him. Bye, John. You’re gone this week or next for failing to make an impression.

Michael Lynche was a douchebag and missed his baby’s birth to be on American Idol. His performance of “This Love” is okay. The swaying back and forth looks really silly though and he’s making it way cheesier than it needs to be. I have admit though, with all of the damn funeral-esque sounding arrangements, I’m glad someone did something upbeat. Randy says that he likes Michael’s gregarious character. I am completely shocked and blown away… that Randy knows the word gregarious. Kara says that at least Michael changed the tone. Simon says that Michael delivered very little on the performance and that he’ll regret it when he watches it back. Michael seems to be annoyed that the judges don’t like him, but he doesn’t talk back. What good are you if you don’t give the sass, Michael? Come on, man.

Alex Lambert is a 19 year old high school student. How stupid is he that he’s still in high school at age 19? I do enjoy Alex’s storytelling about his time with Mary Powers. I also enjoy his mullet. His performance of “Wonderful World” is all kinds of bad. It’s very off key and he’s dancing funny. He looks terrified. I could see his voice being good in other circumstances, but he blew it tonight. He could’ve easily qualified as a VFTW pick in a less competitive season. But with all of the “talent” this year, he’s not even in the top 3. Simon doesn’t know who was happier for the performance to end, himself or Alex. He calls it the “most uncomfortable performance of the night.” Ellen is happy that Alex is rocking the mullet. She says that she loves bananas and sometimes a banana isn’t quite ripe enough. You wish the banana would be riper so you could eat it. I’d expect the banana references from Kara, but not Ellen. What’s going on here? Ellen wants to eat Alex? Not worth it, Ellen. If you did try to cook Alex, you’d spend at least a day picking the hair out. He’s not a very good meal for a cannibal. Andrew Garcia though? Michael Lynche though, plenty of fat.

Casey James is so happy that Kara has a crush on him because, in his words, “Kara is a huge star.” Really, dude? Get yourself some standards. He performs “Heaven” and it’s okay. It’s not that great, but compared to the other jokers, easily the best of the night. The camera keeps cutting to Kara and encourages her cougar crush on dirty Casey. Stop encouraging Kara, you idiot camerapeople. Kara says that she doesn’t recognize Casey with his shirt on. She says it was hard to listen to the performance because she’s married. Maybe her husband is a dirty guy with ugly hair as well? Simon called the performance “honest, sincere, very likeable.” I feel like at this point, Kanye West could show up on the stage sans auto-tune and the judges would fall out of their chairs to praise it because it wasn’t quite as bad as the others. Seriously. Simon calls Kara a cougar and she seems insulted. Give it up, Kara. You’re 40. You’re no spring chicken. You’re not even a summer chicken. You’re a lifeless, winter chicken trapped in a snowbank, but no one will rescue you because they don’t want to hear you squawking anymore.

Andrew Garcia gets the pimp spot and tells me that he’s a stay at home dad, which is code word for unemployed fatass. He says that music is the one thing he’s good at, because apparently he’s no good at getting a real job. He performs “Sugar, We’re Going Down” and it’s not a good choice of song to show off your vocals. Fall Out Boy is more about wordplay and isn’t exactly a versatile band. He’s trying to make lightning strike twice with another “Straight Up” but there are just some songs you shouldn’t perform acoustically. This is one of them. Simon was disappointed because the song was “too serious, too indulgent, and not interesting enough.” Kara says that Andrew bought a lot of time with “Straight Up.” The other judges agree that he’s just coasting on that single performance. That’s truly sad. Even the prized pig doesn’t get any love from the judges. I thought Idol had maybe one more season before cancellation. They may need to pull the plug mid-season this year during Whitney Houston night when Andrew tries an acoustic performance of “I’m Every Woman.”

So who’s going home? The best part of this top 24 format is that only 2 can go home from each gender. So we're gonna get another terrible performance from so many people. Like Alex Lambert. He's probably safe to suck again next week. Yay! And if not, someone equally as sucky will stay. Out of the girls, I’d say Lacey Brown and Michelle Delamor are gone. And of the guys, I’d say Jermaine Sellers and John Park. Not that they were the worst, they just had bad spots and probably won’t earn votes. Hopefully I’m wrong about Jermaine because he’s hilarious, but the others can go and I don’t give a shit. This is truly the worst season of American Idol ever. And hopefully that means top 12 spots for Haeley and Tim. We’ll see!

all I can say is that I take back my statement about the worst guy being better than the best girl. Last night was hideous. I didnt get most of their song choices, slow, boring, unrecognizable and very detached from the audience. The judges made me sick and I found myself very confused over their critiques. Can anyone count the times Ellen has said "you were great" or "you have a great voice"?

I say they scrap this season and start auditions all over again. They blew it bigtime.

JANELL! :( :( :(

I was ok with these 4 leaving.
It always makes me laugh when these contestants say things like "you haven't seen the last of me" and you never hear from them again.

Good Riddens...Janell, Ashley, Joe and Tyler

Hopefully next week Kara can put her hormones in check or I forsee Casey paying the price for her bullshit. It was sickening yesterday.

Yeah, I am mostly indifferent to the people who went home but was a little surprised at Janell leaving as I think there were girls who were MUCH worse. But leaving now or in a few weeks, it probably doesnt matter as she wasnt going to be the AI. I think Tyler is better than plenty of the men as well but he blew it bigtime with the totally wrong song choice and the butchering of it. Tata!
I too, am sickened and completely over this bullshit with Kara and Casey. Wisen up Casey and stop milking it for attention....you do not need it, especially from this hag and it may come back to bite you.
One hour to eliminate 4 people, of course half hour of that was commercials....absolutely sickening!

Is There Drama Between Simon and Ellen on Idol?


February 26, 2010




As the first week of live competition on American Idol wraps up with surprising results, off-stage drama is receiving its share of buzz, too.
Have judges Simon Cowell and Ellen DeGeneres
squabbled since her arrival on the panel this season? A report claimed
that things got off to a rocky start when DeGeneres got agitated that
Cowell arrived late for her first taping session during Hollywood week,
spurring rumors that the chemistry is off between the sharp-tongued
Brit and the bubbly talk show host.
Both have denied there’s a rift, but DeGeneres is no longer sitting
next to Cowell on the panel. Her hilarious explanation? “Simon wants
me,” she said on Tuesday’s first live show, which featured a spoof
video of Simon putting his hands on Ellen’s leg.
But Simon answered the rumors seriously on a conference call with
reporters last week, saying, “There was no fall out” between him and
his costar.
DeGeneres, meanwhile, diffused the speculation with more humor. Summing up her first live week on Idol,
she continued the good-natured ribbing. “Anything can happen on live
television. Yesterday, Simon had so many buttons open on his shirt he
almost had a wardrobe malfunction,” she said in a segment of her talk
show set to air Friday. “It’s also interesting to hear the contestants
sing live verses watching at home because I didn’t realize … they sound
totally different. … You know, in the studio Simon has a Texas accent
and he’s the sweetest guy. He’s totally hairless.”